dulwichmum

I once loved a man that simply adored a TV show called Quantum Leap. He would toss his cerise pink ribbon bound buff files to the floor and focus as though his life depended on it when the show came on TV. Naturally, I considered him unworthy of my charms and moved swiftly on... When I met my husband, I realised the intellectual giant that he is (he is incredibly influential you know!), but play the damn music for Heroes and he behaves like a hypnotised child. My son of seven years old makes more sense when faced with a previously unseen (there are none) episode of Star Wars. Am I alone in this? Is this phenomena restricted to men of breeding with wardrobes like Rupert the Bear? Please re-assure me that men up and down the country behave in this irrational manner, and not simply those at the helm of this home we call England?

Oh hurrah for you dear Chavaroo, you know that swearing is a sign of a limited vocabulary sweetie? FUC* I BROKE A FUC**** NAIL. Jes** Chris*, now I have spilt my bastar* Chablis! FUC*, FU**, F*CK, AND f***ING SHI*E.

Oh Michael darling, Why are you waking so early in the morning lovely?

A charity Christmas single has been released, up against the likes of the X factor!!! Yes, I know it is crazy. It is being done in support of Starlight (who grant wishes to terminally and seriously ill children) to help them to raise funds and awareness for their cause. The project has actually helped to grant 3 wishes, Bianca Nicolas who sings the song, has Cystic Fibrosis and is the loveliest girl ever - she made it to boot camp in this years X factor! Also joining her are Katrina who suffers from leukemia and Sophie Roberts who has a brain tumour, both girls wish was to be a pop star for the day. There?s no commercial machine behind this so they need the power of the people ? you, me and all our friends - to get Bianca into the charts. Bianca is donating all profits to Starlight. ?Making this Christmas single was so exciting for me and the icing on the cake is that sales from this record will go onto help other seriously ill children live their dreams too!? Generous people have gotten involved to help write, record, produce and make a video, now they just need to chart it ? so please, please can you download the song and help them make the top 40 (it is only 69p)!!! Download from HMV (69p) here (once you have clicked on the below link scroll to the bottom of the page and buy the ?radio edit? version) Order a CD from HMV (?2.99) Watch the video on YouTube here. You can listen to the track here. Lets have a proper charity Christmas Song top the charts this Christmas. (Please don?t download more than 4 times from the same IP address as this could flag up irregular buying patterns and disqualify the single from chart count!!)

I love the Cadburies Roses with the orangey bit in the middle - yum!

Oh EastDulwich<3 dear heart, I am anonymous so I can't possibly let you see a photo. Just trust me, I'm a stunner.

I am absolutely gorgous you know. I have glossy hair, glossy nails and er... glossy everything. Even my car is glossy. Two words that describe me: Glossy and pert. Simply breath taking!

Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I finding men like you simply fascinating Frank... er, I mean Michael!

Oh Michael dear one, you know how I find it hard to resist you. Yes I am a married lady and sex repulses me, but there is something about you I cannot resist. I am torn between an undeniable need for my husbands extensive fortune and the fact that you have knuckles like hams and bear a striking resemblance to Frank Butcher.

Well I am not single, but I am simply gorgous - like a classy version of Liz Hurley and without the air brushing. You should just see me in my J Brand white jeans on Lordship Lane each Saturday morning in my Laboutins. I climb out of the Audi Q7 for a nice cup of Monmouth Coffee outside Le Chandelier to supervise as the bearded au pair queues outside William Rose...

Oh Michael darling, Can you even begin to imagine how much havoc one small dog can visit on my minimalist yet capacious home (did I mention that it has the square footage of the new Terminal 5 at Heathrow?)? You can call me superficial if you must, but I am a devoted mother, dog owner (ITS A DAMN LABRADOODLE AND NOT A COCKAPOO IN CASE YOU MEET ME IN THE PARK AVEC ENFANTS ET CHIEN) and wine drinker. The financial insititutions of the planet have been trundling towards hell in a handcart, so I have been a little pre-occupied. I have been missing you Michael, and to be honest, your perky yet masculine physique, ginger top and jolly japes always draw me back, try though I might to stay away, you always win me back. I simply can't stay away...(gasp)

Oh Boosboss, you know how I hate inuendo and filth. While I am on the subject of smut, where is Michael Popadopalot?

Could anyone tell me where I could get hold of the novovirus? Alternatively, I would be prepared to purchase a tape worm...

Oh AndyB! I almost forgot to breathe out!

Dogging? Who mentioned Dogging? OHMYGOD!!!

In the name of God! Pass the smelling salts...

Sweet Michael, Lean over here sweetie, I have just renewed the batteries in my dog stunner...

Sweet Mr Beatnic is always incredibly informative and knowledgable. SteveT, you need to get out more, pull the cabbage from between your teeth and try mingling in polite society. You never know, you might make some friends. On second thoughts, why dont you get yourself a dog.

Lovely SimonM, Why in the name of God and all of his lovely saints and angels would someone really want to have one of these as a walking stick? Actually, I wonder if that is what I have seen Michael Paleologulopadopalot walking up Lordship Lane with? OHMYGOD!

No, it is a bit like micro blogging. You have a status line (similar to facebook) and that way, you can stay up to speed with your chums. Well, that is what I think it is, but I haven't been using it long.

Good luck Brian and Jackie, I adored your banoffee pie when I was a student, and you are responsible for introducing me to the joys of white wine (hic). I shall pop in for one last trip down memory lane before you leave. What a shame and the best of luck to you both.

Perfect Brendan, It is not so easy to get Granzilla to consume gallons of Kool-Aid as it is to entice her to raid my en-suite for random cosmetics.

Sweet Ant, I think it could end up being a cockadoodlepoo, knowing my luck. And yes Cate, we thought of referring to the puppy as a spoodle, but people in the street ask what that means and keep saying "Oh a Cockapoo" - so now we tell anyone who asks that he is a Labradoodle (sigh). My perfect son is seven, and would have a hoot with a word such as Cockapoo...

This is all quite shocking and horrid. I shall check Ebay and get right back to you. My tiny doglet would no doubt adore one of these in his Christmas stocking. Thank you most kindly.

I am here Shanghai. What is it dear heart?