dulwichmum

*Reaches pale hand into enormous handbag beside sick bed.* *Removes granade and pulls out pin.* *Tosses explosive at special chum...* Gasps: "Take that you swine"

"Thank you"(whispers)...sigh, gulp, thud, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

*Raises hand from sick bed and waves to chums.* "whimper"

Oh I know that Starbucks probably make their cakes in an enormous factory, but it doesn't make me dislike the taste. I love good coffee too, and pride myself on my super coffee machine, but I love Starbucks latte. I also like Knorr chicken noodle soup, Frys Chocolate Cream, pate de foie gras on toasted brioche, anything baked by Konditor and Cook and Krug. It takes all sorts to make a world, and taste is taste. I am not obese either, I am fabulous and physically perfect (sigh).

I think that we need a coffee shop in ED with great cake and deep sofas. It should have lots of nooks and crannies to hide in so that no-one can find us reading our books - OHMYGOD! I shall park my Audi Q7 on Melbourne Grove in 20 minutes - I bet I start a roaring trade!

Why Mr Huguenot! *Swoon* Have you put on lots of weight and started to wear soverign rings? I have missed you so!

I don't know why everyone raves on about Petit Chou. Yes the staff are friendly, but it is about as comfortable as sitting at the breakfast bar in my mothers kitchen but without the holy pictures. Caffe Nero is a pleasant place to hide on my munchkins, and they make nice coffee and hot chocolate. I must admit that I can't stand "paninis" - they are about as digestable as polystyrine egg cartons and far less apetising. There are good places to hide and chairs to sink into. The Dulwich Picture Gallery is super smart but not great if you are wanting to enjoy the paper and simply have a quiet coffee. Blue Mountain is pretty hit and miss in my experience, and the staff at The Horniman are lovely but it is really chaotic in there at the weekend. I hear that the East Dulwich Deli stocks Konditor and Cook cakes (OHMYGOD), maybe the answer is to buy a cake in there and lock my self in the utility room with a take out coffee from Starbucks? Thanks for the list above, I shall take pleasure in trying them all out.

Clearly!

Oh Ms B, I couldn't bear to er... bear my personage to any gentleman unless I was wearing his wedding ring (gasp). I shall arrange an appointment in Clapham forthwith. Many thanks, DM

Are you male or female and what size are your fingers? (whispered alluringly from behind large pink fan)

*swoon*

Darling Ms B, Do you mean that I will get drunk quicker? Where do you suggest I go to try out this new wonder treatment?

I adore Starbucks in Dog Kennel Hill. There is nothing nicer than a vente latte and a slice of blueberry cheesecake. Yum. I much preferred the old Starbucks at Saino's though. It was darker and less public. I could sit and read my copy of Martha Stewart Weddings magazine in private while my housekeeper wafted about the supermarket, purchasing all manner of rice cakes and organic raisins. Being a mother really is frightfully stressful (sigh). That sweet little St Francis park thingy was always great to occupy the kids (I have never been in there myself, but my au pairs always seem to enjoy taking the poppets in to the swings). I don't know how I could cope without my Audi Q7, supermarket shopping really was a family affair before I returned to work, now I shop on Ocado, clearly.

OHMYGOD! Mrs B!!! I can't remove that mental image now. That man is a god, and to think of him attired as a fireman and in a public place. I adore his enormous hands, he has fingers the size of Tesco's finest sausages you know!

Oh Mrs B, I am so very unwell, I have been confined to my budoir all week (sigh). I have missed Ascot and my hat is sitting on my dressing table (sob). Tell me, I need to know, is a colonic worth the ...er, indignity? I hear a girl can shed almost 8 pounds during one treatment, I hate to think of putrifying matter clinging to my insides. I would love to have it washed away. I am such a modest lady though, I don't think that I could remain composed enough to allow the procedure to be conducted. I have never ever removed my underwear for a stranger in my entire life (my munchkins were born by caesarean section). On the one hand, I have read that a colonic can improve ones ability to absorb vitamins and give a girl a clear skin and sparkly eyes, but what if the presence of the "colonic sludge" actually inhibits calorie absorbtion? Knowing my luck, I would gain an increased ability to absorb calories and end up the size of a small family car.

Oh MrsB, the thought of a fireman in Dr Boo. It sounds like paradise! Could he be Ray Winstone dressed as a fire man and holding a bottle of Champagne standing in Dr Boo - perhaps during a private preview of their 50% off sale? OHMYGOD!!! I shall go and lie down, I feel quite over excited.

Lay in bed whining for most of the day - I am so very unwell (sigh).

*Gazes lovingly at Kalam.* "I may already be a little squiffy, but I can always find room for some bubbly!"

Shame on you Mr MacGabhann, You are such a damn liar - I always wear dungarees when plastering...

Holds out empty glass to Kalam - "top me up dear heart..."

I must admit that I saw Graham Norton walking along the strand between South Bank and London Bridge on tuesday morning, and he was the colour of a satsuma. I wonder if he is so famous now that people are afraid to be honest with him? How sad. I really have to say though, Mel does a super fake tan and it lasts for a week...

I can thoroughly recommend Mel from Jo Partridge salon on Croxted Road, Tel: 020 8761 6265. She is simply fabulous.

*Leans over to pour some Baileys into coffee.* *Smiles sweetly thinking of darling Michael, slumps back on sofa.*

Lets throw it in the bin and crack open a bottle of Krug?

Would anyone like to join me for an olive and a glass of Ouzo?