dulwichmum

Sweet Simonscott, This happened to me not so long ago, and the police told me that the other driver probably had no tax or insurance. Apparently a large percentage of drivers do not! Poor you, and your lovely mini has been tarnished now. Go and see Roy at Moore Park Garage on Woodvale. The man is a miracle worker.

Dear Sweet Michael, Thank God you are back, but you must be drunk! What is the QM, and what is a fishing smack? I am afraid that I have no interest in your tackles, but give me a hug dear heart, and did you bring me anything from the discount/duty free shop thingy? I could murder an enormous Toblerone!

Sits quietly in quiet room sobbing into hankey. "I'm missing Mr Pologlopalot so very much indeed. It is frightful..." *(wail)*

Indeed, what does FCOL mean? Is it "for the love of Cod" jumbled up or something?

Moos darling, There is an extreme version of Lesley Lille Green's beauty salon newly opened on Croxted Road, West Dulwich. You can get yourself botoxed up and chemical peeled, you will have the skin of a vestal virgin... In the mean-time here, let me pour you a drink. Chablis?

Darling Moos, If you lean your head back, I can pour it straight in! I need a drink tonight, there are such vile and rude threads in progress out in the main forum. Shame on the lot of them I say!

An Au pair is not an appropriate child care option for a young baby. They are only permitted to work up to 25 hours per week, that is five hours per day, and they are not supposed to be left in sole charge of a child under two and a half. Most people who have au pairs get them to help out with the school run (from say 7am to 9) and after school care from 3 til 6). They are usually paid around ?85 per week and for that they expect their own room and all meals, and they are basically another member of your family. They go to English School each day and spend a year in London having fun and making friends. It can work out very well if the family get on with the student, but on the down side it can be very disruptive for the children as au pairs do not necessarily have any English when they arrive and so they may not be able to read to children or help them with homework. I know lots and lots of lovely nannies and they are a great option, but expect to pay around ?30K before national insurance etc, and can work out substantially more expensive than a nursery.

OHMYGOD! I popped into this shop today, and it looks like the kind of place where Barbara Windsor and Joan Collins purchased footwear. It is very Walworth Road mid 1980's. I am sure that the staff are lovely, but what were they thinking, opening on Lordship Lane in this decade? I feel traumatised for the poor investors. I need to lie down.

I would invite him over with his brood for a play date. He really is a dream boat. I should like to kiss him on the nose, he is incredibly manly.

Indeed, come on, pass them over... Do you have any olives about your person?

"Oh Michael darling, I was missing you so very much indeed. Come and sit down a while, tell me about your travels..."

This is filthy talk. Simply outragous. Shame on the pair of you for lowering the tone. I personally have always found that a man with an enormous bonus can make the most satisfying lover...

"Why Peckhamgatecrasher darling, how very kind of you to say so!" *Opens enormous bottle of Krug and pours it into Champagne glass.* "Can I pour some on your cornflakes too?"

Wafts into quiet room, looking simply stunning. Can I offer anyone a drink?

I simply adore Gordon Brown ... swoon. I have a soft spot for cerebral powerful men!

Yes, we are waiting, please?

Perhaps it was a mink? I could let you see my coat, perhaps you could identify it that way. All of the mink used to make my coat died of natural causes you know. I am frightfully eco trendy.

Darling friends, I am convinced that these entertainers from Balkan lands and old USSR countries should be excluded from the Eurovision Song Contest and indeed from civilised society itself. Let us return to the good old days of ditties like Puppet on a String and Waterloo. Norway has provided us with many a laugh over the years and wasn't Spain a hoot? But for the love of God, what were the people of Azerbaijan thinking? Can we allow the people of Bosnia Herzogovena to wander freely about in Europe unsanctioned after this? Now that we have observed what they consider in terms of family entertainment (OHMYGOD!!!). They are clearly traumatised from a history of conflict. Do they even have flushing toilets in the Ukraine? I have seen enough. I think that it is time to reconsider our EC membership, perhaps we could instead host a smaller more select song competition next year. We could invite entries from comedy nations such as the French, and perhaps even the Welsh, but we must draw a line under this outragous fiasco, for once and for all. I believe that poor King Terry of all Wogan has been admitted to The Priory this morning, the man has been damaged by his observations, at least we could look away. He was forced to watch all of it!

What in the name of God himself and all of his lovely Saints and Angels is going on? This evening I sat, open mouthed with horror, as an obvious threat from our clearly disturbed and traumatised Euro neighbours has unfolded before my eyes. Tonight's Eurovision song contest has proved to be a scandal of epic proportions. Sweden were represented by a Donatella Versace meets Van Helsing lady boy. We expected them to provide us with the usual circus side show of entertainment, but Latvia showed a disturbed streak with their Pirates of the Caribbean and singing aged page 3 model. That woman is fortunate not to have impaled herself on her underwiring. Bosnia had a collection of girating traumatised brides and a scary groom. The woman who sang for Poland should serve as a warning to all of those who consider a trip to Poland for cheap cosmetic dentistry an option. So many of the old Eastern block countries were represented by traumatised singing sex workers and evil chick boys showing clear evidence of the terrible things that have gone on in this planet. These people should be re-repressed immediately. They were behind a wall for a reason. It is time to redraw the iron curtain. These people were segregated from us for a reason.

Or perhaps it is a hamster?

Doh! I should never have opened that second bottle last night...

I am talking about Me! Isn't fiction all about using your imagination? :)

Sweet CamberwellOz! OHMYGOD! What an outragous tale. I can smell the scene you describe from my front room in West Dulwich - I only hope that I can manage to sleep tonight. I am also pleased to see that lovely Siduhe confirms my complaint, and Spadetownboy - well we always agree on simply everthing. I was under the impression that EC membership had caused so many countries to regulate many "factors," - ie: what can be described as Parmesan cheese, or Parma ham for example. I think that it is about time that the damn EC did something useful, and insisted upon minimum European standards in the water closet. The French should no longer be permitted to describe their conveniences as... er... convenient. They should be forced to fit appropriately fitting doors to all toilet cubicles, they must rid themselves of flies (really now, even in the finest of establishments - they should be ashamed of themselves) and good quality toilet tissue should be available to all. As for those random toilets that are still to be found that are nothing more than a hole in the floor (OHMYGOD!).

Post a link, please?

Darling CamberwellOz, Be sure to bring a stock of quilted toilet tissue. These people are close to barbarians. Their toilet paper is a complete assault on the senses... They should be ashamed of themselves. Steak tartare is horrid beyond compare. Have I ever mentioned how the doors of their toilet cubicles start at least a foot away from the floor, and have an inch of a "viewing window" all around each door!!! Their toilet paper is nothing better than pink tracing paper, and the horror begins as you join your first class carriage at St Pancras...OHMYGOD!