bagpuss78

Thankyou Jah Lush>:D

The Voodoo Penis A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis." "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!" The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!" The rest is history.:-$

Q: What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? A: Someone who lies awake at night asking if there's a dog

*Strolls in hands Crystal a Rum and coke (with a piece of lime)* *wonders why crystal is not pleased with this offering!* *looks over at keef with wry smile*

Sounds good to me :)-D Keef I blame you for my absence from work today, stayed a little longer in the CPT than I had expected :-S I was doing a recce for the forum meet!

*realises it's got a top in it and puts it back*:(

*Steals Keefs grolsch while he is whispering to DM* :)-D

*walks in slightly in the style of john wayne, went to roller disco last night, exceeded fitness levels!* *Collapses face down on floor, slightly awkward but happy with position* *.......and relax*

*Rustles up some Samosa's and passes round* *Pulls out 8 pack of tiger beers from bag feels ready to celebrate earlier defeat of colleague less wiser than oneself! FOOL! (still a little bitter):-S*

*Cackles quietly* *Mesmerised by flying nappies in window, wants to investigate but weary of contents of nappies!*

*smiles to self in self gratifying manner :))* *just came back from head honcho's office having grassed on said punks* *thinks to self "you kick ass!"* *I am woman hear me roar!*:X

* bimbles in throws self on bean bag in grumpy manner* *looks around hoping for sympathy* *realised today I work with a load of punks, not the kind with mohicans!*

*Lays down on sun lounger with large jug of pimms and big straw, starting early this year!* *hope nobody notices large jug of pimms as not in a very sharing mood* *decides this is a bit mean. will bring more straws next time*

This good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a 1 pint of milk, a dozen eggs, a carton orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, coffee, and some bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly." (SORRY :-S)

You are quite rubbish Sir Keef, too busy boozing the nights away, I wouldn't wonder! to think of you dear mum on this very special time of year! ;-)

*Crawls in, gives knowing and understanding look to keef* *Resumes yesterdays position, has slight feeling of De ja Vu* *Decides never to drink again.....ever!*

Thank you Keef, I will do he's a precious thing isn't he

Have been told I must make a statement concerning the 'jervais' joke, this was actually told to me by crystal clear some time ago, ergo I claim no rights to this joke, I thankyou. :-$

*Wakes self up with loud snore, smiles, a little embarrassed at Dulwichmum. rolls over snuggles up in newly delivered duvet, spot on DM! goes back to sleep*

*Sneaks in after hearing Keef thinking of Fry up* *Lies down on floor* *hopes Keef will make fry up for all, No beans please extra mushrooms*

First told Canadian man to F**k off about 3 years ago in the Vale. Vaguely recall having words with him last night. He seems to follow me round East Dulwich telling Racist jokes where ever he goes......charming man!

Whats pink fluff called.....................Pink Fluff Whats Blue fluff called...........................Its pink fluff holding it's breath (I know it's bad but a small child told me it and I had to share)

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road." A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a gin ....................................... and tonic." The bartender says "Why the big pause?" A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here." A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!" A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop." A guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. The barman asks him what the lizard is called and the man says "Tiny." "Why is it called Tiny?" asks the barman and the guy replies "Because it's my newt."

Got it! A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip. Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it. Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher, he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up. Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry and he can't eat it. The moral of the story?... .. Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.