Rhinestone Cowboy

SOCIALISM - You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbor. COMMUNISM - You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM - You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM - You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATIC-ISM - You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away. TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead. VENTURE CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull. A FRENCH CORPORATION - You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION -You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION - You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION - You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. AN INDIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION - You have two cows. Both are mad. AN IRAQI CORPORATION - Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION - You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive. A SPANISH CORPORATION - "You have two cows. You set up a construction company, build 1,000 cow sheds, open a real state agency and advise your cows to buy 500 cow sheds each because after all, the price of cow sheds never goes down."

morning Spurs fans sorry was away in St Lucia for 4 days which made up for the result on Monday night

feeling fine.. off to St Lucia tomorrow for 5 days Upper class travel nice when you have a friend who works for the Airlines.. 28c thats warm I think.

The teacher at school asks about the different job each father does . The first little girl said: 'My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.' The next child, a little boy said: 'I'm Andy and my dad is a mechanic.' And so it went until one little boy said: 'My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease artist in a gay club.' The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject. Later, in the school yard, the teacher approached Little Johnny privately and asked if it was really true that his dad danced nude in a gay bar. Little Johnny blushed and said, 'No, he's really a Business Development Director at Citi Bank, but I'm just too embarrassed to tell anyone.

west ham 10-1 to win hmmmmmmm 5-1 for the draw hmmmmmmm

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas - Glen Campbell Christmas album 1968

Spent 6 nights at the Al Qasr in Dubai a few years back. Overlooks the 6/7 star Burg and you have the waterpark next door. No building work around the hotel but lots going on everywhere else. 10 min cab ride to indoor ski thing. would recomend the resort so many bars and restuarants that we did not really leave the resort. Would go back if I had money.

Guess everyone will be supporting Irons tonight .. would make the title race little more interesting but we have not won at Pool since 1963 so looking good for 4-0 thrashing.

Australian humour Ten days before Christmas an elderly Australian man in Brisbane calls his son in Perth. The old man says, 'I hate to ruin your Christmas, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced; 35 years of misery is enough.' 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in England and tell her,' and he hangs up. In a panic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there on Friday. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up. The old man hangs up and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.'

Sorry but I do laugh everytime I post scores.... small child in me... I do believe you will be above us come Tuesday and look forward to abuse. Irons.

Aston Villa 3 Fulham 0 Middlesbrough 1 Newcastle 1 Stoke City 2 Hull City 0 Sunderland 0 Bolton 0 Wigan Athletic 1 West Brom 0 Match of the day Sat night going to be fun....... Chelsea 1 Arsenal 0 Man City 1 Man Utd 2 Portsmouth 1 Blackburn 0 Tottenham 0 Everton 4 Liverpool 1 West Ham Utd 0

FOR CURRY LOVERS EVERYWHERE Natal Curry Contest Note: Please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge 3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CURRY 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. CURRY 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang. Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich Manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CURRY 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick. Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers. Judge 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting p*ssed from all the beer. CURRY 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY Judge 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry. Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac? CURRY 5 - LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement. Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Scr*w them. CURRY 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to sh*t myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore I need to wipe my ar*e with a snow cone ice-cream. CURRY 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY Judge 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably). Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Scr*w it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CURRY 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY Judge 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry? Judge 3 - No Report

Torres out great now if we pray maybe Kuyt,Gerrard,Keane,Carragher,Mascherano and Reina could catch man-flu maybe just maybe Liverpool will only beat us 1-0 Irons.

Friern Road Peckham end.. nice and quiet and not at all like Bow.

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs: In her 20's, they are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry'. This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases: In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After 50, it is like a Christmas Tree'. 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration'.

Chelsea 1 v 0 Newcastle Liverpool 2 v 0 Fulham Man City 3 v 1 Arsenal Middlesbrough 1 v 1 Bolton Portsmouth 1 v 0 Hull City Stoke City 1 v 0 West Brom Aston Villa 2 v 1 Man Utd Tottenham 0 v 4 Blackburn Sunderland 0 v 1 West Ham Wigan 0 v 2 Everton

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 years old and went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was a beautiful female assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new to this. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I answered honestly, "Well, not exactly; this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to always make sure it was on tight and secure. I nodded yes but apparently I still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. "Just a minute," she said, as she walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?", she asked. I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head rapidly and smile. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I slipped it on nice and secure, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay back on the desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time." So I climbed up on the desk. It felt so wonderful that unfortunately I couldn't hold back and KAPOW!!, I was done within just a minute, if even that long. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?", she asked. I said, "I sure did",,,,,,,,and held up my thumb to show her.

Wife gets naked & asks hubby,'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies,'Your sense of humour!'

Bolton 1 Liverpool 1 Arsenal 1 Aston Villa 0 Blackburn 1 Sunderland 0 Fulham 0 Tottenham 2 ( given-up bashing spurs ) Man Utd 2 Stoke City 1 ( throw in man will upset Ferdi/Vidy and Van ) Newcastle 2 Wigan 1 West Ham 1 Portsmouth 0 ( please let it be ) West Brom 0 Chelsea 2 Everton 1 v Middlesbrough 1 Hull City 1 v Man City 1

Hats off to Spurs and Harry for a great start Looks like they are aiming for a 7th place finish now. Hopefully he won't steal Green away from West Ham as I really rate him. Look forward to abuse when you are above us in about 2wks

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your money on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that had you waited a little longer, you could have got a better model. The women won.

Arsenal 2 Wigan Athletic 0 Swansea City 0 Watford 1 Stoke City 2 Rotherham United 0 Derby County 1 Leeds United 1 Manchester United 3 Queens Park Rangers 0 Wednesday November 12 Sunderland 1 Blackburn Rovers 1 Chelsea 2 Burnley 0 Tottenham Hotspur 0 Liverpool 4

Yes I am having a laugh. You bite everytime I put 4-0 against spurs and it makes me smile.

west ham 1-0 arsenal 1 man utd 1 man city 4 spurs 0 ?1 treble at 2132-1 this time next year Millionaire me.

of course ?1 at 40-1 too good to miss for 4-0 throw in west ham 1-0 win at 7-1 ?280 to try all the brownies in East Dulwich