Rhinestone Cowboy

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?' Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized? 'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.' 'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.' 'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

I rather like the new Virgin Atlantic advert with the relax music. Also my girlfriend works at Virgin in advertising and so it must be the best advert in the world ever no questions asked.

West Ham 8th and Spurs 16th and this is the most miserable day ever! hmmm looks pretty good to me According to experts today is the most depressing day of the year, or as the pessimists at the Daily Mail put it: "The most depressing day in HISTORY". Toay is apparently so depressing it has been predicated that up to a quarter of workers would call in sick. Cliff Arnall, a former psychology academic at Cardiff University, claims that there are six factors that combine to make today the ultimate of all bad days: Lousy weather Post-Christmas debt Failed New Year's resolutions Time elapsed since Christmas festivities Motivation levels The need for something to look forward to

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the coffee machine the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the coffee machine to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.' 'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit.'

Blackburn 0 Newcastle 1 Bolton 1 Man Utd 0 Chelsea 3 Stoke 0 Hull 1 Arsenal 2 Man City 1 Wigan 1 Sunderland 1 Aston Villa 1 West Brom 3 Middlesbrough 0 Tottenham 0 Portsmouth 4 West Ham 1 Fulham 0 Liverpool 0 Everton 2

Beach Boys,Elvis and the Carpenters long summer drives to Cornwall.

Money off - Printable Vouchers for food and Donuts Go crazy http://www.vouchercodes.co.uk/printable-vouchers.html

If you build it they will come.

Euro 100 mio or close to ?91 mio weekly salary from ?260k-?500k in these testing times. Milan to Manchester hmmmmm

Does anyone really like Man Utd.. I can remember back in 1988 when part of the Icf kicking the crap out of the red army now those were the days.

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation' Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large fire-cracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor, 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in New Zealand , Tasmania and several suburbs in Cape Town.

The Tottenham captain has warned his team-mates that the club, who lost 1-0 at Wigan yesterday, will be relegated if they do not improve. "We need people to stand up and fight for each other, be counted as men and as players," he said. "That has not been happening enough." Going down.

Arsenal 2 Bolton 0 Aston Villa 3 West Brom 0 Everton 1 Hull 1 Fulham 1 Blackburn 0 Middlesbrough 2 Sunderland 2 Newcastle 0 West Ham 1 Portsmouth 0 Man City 2 Stoke 0 Liverpool 3 Man Utd 1 Chelsea 3 Wigan 4 Tottenham 0

Ronald Car Crash Part 2 He was later heard complaining to the police that the wall wasn't back far enough......

From Spurs fan site.. Not sure all the facts are true but makes an interesting read. The papers are full today of our "new" signing being paraded on the pitch before last nights game and the figures being stated range from ?13m-?16m but in reality how much did he cost us? Firstly let me say that this is only my take on the matter, not any form of insider knowledge, so the numbers will be "ball park" from information available but they'll be close. Firstly last season we sold Jermaine, Noe Pamarot, Sean Davies, Pedro Mendes and Younes Kaboul to Pompey. Pamarot, Mendes & Davies were combined together as a lump sum value of ?7.5m, Defoe was ?9m and Kaboul was an "undisclosed fee" rumoured to be about ?3.5m. This made an estimated total of ?20m we were owed by Pompey. As most people know teams don't just pass each other wads of cash any more and usually spread the payments out over stages, generally acknowledged as one third up front, a third after a year and the final third 18months/2 years down the line. So for arguements sake Pompey owed us the final payment of c?7m. Next thing to bear in mind is that Levy is not a stupid man when it comes to business. The only reason Defoe was sold was that he was entering his last year of his contract and refusing to sign a new one so rather than getting stung the way we did with our ex-captain "who should not be named" for fear of legal action we accepted Pompey's bid which many of us said at the time was too low. But Levy knew that given games Defoe would score goals and it'd be likely he'd be sold for a profit by Portsmouth so he added in a "sell on clause" into the deal. This is a common occurance in football these days, especially with young and talented players, and rumours are that Defoe had a ?4m sell on clause. So we'd receive ?4m back should Pompey sell Defoe. So if we take the mid range and accept we agreed a fee with Portsmouth of ?15m then that would immediately become ?11m when we got our sell on cash back, take off the ?7m outstanding and that drops the cash paid to ?4m. So we've basically paid Portsmouth ?4m to give our striker a years worth of first team football. When we loan players out to lower league clubs to "get match experience" we generally pick up 50% of the wage costs and when he left us Defoe was on ?35k a week = ?1.8m a year. If we'd sent him there on loan we'd still have paid, rounded up, ?1m in wages. So in an optomists eyes, ignoring the accountancy realism we paid Pompey the sum total of ?3m to give JD a years worth of matches.

Spurs had 30% sell on so they pay pompey pompey pay them Defoe pretty much doubles from 35k a week to 60k and he's still not that good. Bent and Defoe I hope they work well at least for England side

Why would Etherington goto Stoke. Ok this season but straight back down next Season. Saying that we could go down as well but West Ham bigger club. Maybe just wants to play regular football.

http://www.pizzahutoffers.co.uk/50percent2/?utm_source=mailtrack-media&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=2008+12+19+50percent Go crazy

Many thanks. much appreciated

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?' Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.' Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.' Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

Marriage is a three-ring circus Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Did West Ham really just thump Pompey 4-1 nice present for Christmas