Rhinestone Cowboy

Guide to banking If anyone has difficulty understanding the current world financial situation and shoring up the banks, the following may help.... Once upon a time in a village, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10. The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and then started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50.' The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Welcome to WALL STREET.

Cool fancy a couple of cold VB's lookign forward to it.. be lucky

Evening all.. is it rude to turn up for couple hours? would like to pop along and say hello but have another party to attend later on.

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS? A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The Priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned. " Then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A Vicar books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled. She says No sir, its just regular porn, you sick bastard!

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Guilty pleasure of mine is beeping my horn at them ( no pun ) as they run red lights and watch them wobble, it's bound to cause a crash soon but hey ho stop breaking da law

What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a hooker? The nympho says, "You're done already?" The hooker says, "Are you done yet?" And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Liverpool 1 v 0 Man Utd Blackburn 1 v 1 Arsenal Fulham 0 v 0 Bolton Newcastle 3 v 0 Hull City Portsmouth 1 v 1 Middlesbrough West Brom 1 v 2 Irons Wigan 4 v 2 Sunderland Man City 1 v 0 Chelsea Stoke City 0 v 3 Everton Tottenham 2 v 0 Aston Villa Croatia 1 - 0 England

I'm 5ft and some change hung like a cowboy and can close my legs... so neerrr ( I'm a pedestrian and sometimes scooter rider )

Cyclists who jump red lights.

Robbie Keane has become the sixth Liverpool footballer to be targeted by crooks... It's a tad grim up north.

Amir Khan is a bit cheap, out with him sat night and he did not even get a round in!

Popped in Sat night for quick drink and to see what the fuss was all about. Very loud music and the place was jumping. Order a beer for me and a mojito for the lady. Oh dear they really do not know how to make a mojito it was soda and mint with some ice. We later went to Black Cherry and they do know how to make one. Still Adventure bar was OK I would probably go back but leave it for a few months.

Paid a visit Saturday night, not a bad pub and not a good pub. Just lacked something maybe a few months and it won't look so new? Lots of scented candles thou and girlfriend noticed a strange smell near the back door ( no pun intended ) prices were ok and they did Vb which I thought was a nice touch.

Poor Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doing?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.??∏ 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league. When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.' A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, and starts to rub herself all over him. She says, 'Hi Bobby, want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someo ne else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.' Bob's funeral will be on Friday!

If we end up with Sam Allardyce then I will start supporting Palace from now on. Shame about Curbs as I actually liked him but if they keep selling players and paying off underwear models then I guess he had no choice.

Parking wardens very quiet in August when this new scheme was introduced.. Just popped out for lunch and to look at the nice ladies in selfridges and 5 bikes have tickets on them.. only 15 parked in the bay ouch..

Hearing Kevin Keegan has been shown the door.. wonder who will take over now

Canvey Island has a nice holiday camp.

Arsenal 2 - 0 Newcastle ( although not sure who will score ) Bolton 1 - 1 West Brom Everton 2 - 1 Pompey Hull 0 - 0 Wigan Boro 3 - 0 Stoke West Ham 1 - 0 Blackburn Villa 0 - 1 Pool ( last minute winner ) Chelsea 3 - 1 Spurs ( do spurs have any strikers? ) Sunderland 1 - 2 City

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered: 'Is that one word, or two?'

Gary Glitter has issued a statement on his release from prison, " he wishes to go where he will be left in peace, alone, out of the spotlight and has no intentions of travelling abroad in the foreseeable future" West Ham have offered him a 3 year contract. I am a west ham fan but could not resist

Tend to go for the mexican beers when it's warm outside.. Dos Equis,Corona,Sol,Pacifico and Estrella yum Cerveza Actually tend to go for these when I am thirsty

Girlfriend works at Gatwick and leaves 7.30am gets to work 8.45 - 9am most days