Rhinestone Cowboy

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told

The Fish & Chips are very bad no no Chilli and Choc not too bad Cajun Squirrel I like these Onion Bhaji no Builders Breakfast are very bad no no no Crispy Duck & Hoisin yumm Bored at work crisp frenzy

George and Frank Mann. I dont like cricket but I guy I works with loves it.

Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think men care.

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their Balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.' The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Television 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman

The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a cent to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?' The lawyer thought for a moment and said, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.' 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?' The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again. 'Thirdly,' the lawyer said, 'did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.' And then the lawyer said, 'So, if I don't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

your not really smart but you are sly and good at telling lies, do something with it.

I love all kinds of Women, especially Women I don't know very well.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

Portsmouth 1 Man City 1 The FA Cup Blackburn 1 Coventry 0 Sheff Utd 0 Hull 3 Swansea 0 Fulham 2 Watford 1 Chelsea 4 West Ham 2 Middlesbrough 1 France 21 Scotland 10 Wales 35 England 34 Italy 9 Ireland 28

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?' 'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.'

Guess who I bumped into at the opticians the other day ? Everyone!

Men who when shaking yr hand give you the death grip, Sorry just had a meeting and I still cannot feel my fingers I think this guy ( he was French ) wanted to get one up on me. Well it worked. Could be a couple of lonely nights now.

Russian Fa making statement Gus Can join Chelsea He has just bought a villa in the Maldives ( with signing on fee ) and is looking forward to getting the sack in June

Alan Roden? Not sure spelling

I recon Man City sack Sparky big Phil goes there and settles Robinhooo and they get Kaka in summer end up 2nd Chelsea get Gus on short term till end of the season finish 2nd Sparky goes to Pompey and gets Keane as Assistant manager finish 18th

Scolari ?7.5 mio payoff.. Guess that makes it all OK then.

So Scolari gone on a 3 year contract ?4 mio a year? nice payoff Chelsea all over the place. Happy we have Steve Clark at West Ham we seem to be doing well with him and Zola

luiz F Scolari Sacked by Chelski... Did not see that coming.

Pompey Update Avram Grant - top price 6/4 Alan Curbishley - 3/1 Paul Hart - 14/1 Sven-Goran Eriksson - 16/1 Stuart Pearce - 16/1 THE OUTSIDERS (and what they might say in their first pre-match team talk Neil Warnock - 20/1: "If it doesn't work out we can always sue West Ham." Louis van Gaal - 20/1: "What on earth am I doing here? Was I hypnotised?" Gordon Strachan - 20/1: "I thought Portsmouth fans loved ex-Southampton managers?" Paul Jewell - 22/1: "At least you're not as bad as Derby. Are you?" Slaven Bilic - 22/1:"Look, just give it to Kranjcar. OK?" Darren Ferguson - 25/1: "Hi, Dad... I'm putting you on speaker phone." Joe Jordan - 25/1: "Just pretend I'm doing Harry's team talk for him." Glenn Hoddle - 25/1: "Stay up or you'll come back as a donkey."

A Manchester City fan has admitted his embarrassment after having 'Kaka' tattooed on his chest before the Milan star snubbed the club last month. Did I not mention that its all going wrong up north. Atila sorry I am an Iron and I like to wind up the Spurs fans. It's childish but it makes me smile and always on a friday. Happy poets day all.

Gary Player because he looked cool

Blackburn 1 Aston Villa 0 Chelsea 2 Hull 0 Everton 0 Bolton 1 ( Everton going to be knackered ) Man City 2 Middlesbrough 0 Portsmouth 1 Liverpool 0 ( Adams hangs on for another week ) Sunderland 0 v Stoke 0 West Brom 0 v Newcastle 0 Wigan 1 v Fulham 1 Tottenham 0 v Arsenal 2 ( Does anyone really like spurs ) West Ham 1 Man U 0 ( Just to make the title race more fun )

Cottee and McAvennieeeeeeeeeeeeee Because I am an Iron and I know people that know people that also know Carlton Leach