Brendan

Next door are going on holiday. I don?t have to feed the cat this time. The cat is dead.

That's why I wax.

It was twelve thirty-sixish pm on Sunday. I was returning home after an unexceptional visit to Halfords. I parked the car on the paved-over font garden that we in the suburbs refer to as ?the drive? and made my way to the front door. Midway through the second step of the three it takes to do this my nostrils were assaulted by that instantly recognisable smell best described as, ?drains?. Further investigation, which involved the shifting of a manhole cover and the ejaculating of a few swear words, revealed a particularly unpleasant subterranean problem in the sewer. ?I?ll call the plumber about it tomorrow.? Said my wife, and long-suffering protagonist in my Saga Conditio Humana.

I liked the bit where Caliban and his mates dressed up as Brunel and went to a nine inch nails gig.

No that?s what I got. And then Mary Poppins clones herself many times over and parachutes in to save the day.

Was I the only one who saw the (what I thought obvious) metaphor in that?

The devils cleverest trick is to convince you he doesn't exist. And having to hear him daily on a pa brings out the worst in me.

You people. You know, you drones who wash along the streets of the city every day thinking and doing what you?re told to. You know who you are. Doesn?t hearing the voice of a self-serving megalomaniac (who represents the interest of a small section of privileged society but nevertheless got you to vote him into power because he?s a bit ?quirky?) patronising you over a public address system everyday just reinforce what a hateful bunch of shitwits you actually are? Not? Oh well. Happy Friday everyone. I?m off to try to find a pub somewhere in Westminster that isn?t polluted with pink polo?ed percys in pinky rings. Happily all the tourists seem to have chased them away.

The Olympics, is that what?s on? So far all I?ve seen is screen after screen filled with the faces of festering pieces of excrement in government who seem to be trying to one up each other. Oh and that really keen person. You know the one who was team leader, blackboard monitor, prefect, cheerleader etc. at school. You know, they now work in HR or maybe marketing. Well they?ve multiplied exponentially, probably through some sort of mitosis (see the slides on the group email for instructions) and now they?re fucking everywhere.

Always with the rhubarb. In South Africa we (and our grannies) use willow to bat with. England should give it a try.

The press is all just another part of the Spectacle man. I stay up to date with current events by covering myself in post-its, throwing myself in the path of commuters and refusing to move until they tell me what the hell is going on.

What? homosexuals are little women? All of them or just the women? And what does size have to do with it? How many question marks can I fit into one post?

But the idea of relative poverty steps into the territory of social equality which is a concept fundamentally at odds with the conservative world view.

If you like. Although I don?t have a hearth. Got a bbq. Will that do? ?be-do-be-do?

I always thought the words of this forum were the diamonds on the bit boring at the coalface of the current zeitgeist.

What, it explodes and Jon Snow pops out?

The exploits of the Empire were indefensible and anyone who tries to defend them deserves to be drowned in a slurry pit. But does this really have anything to do with people 100 years down the line engaging in the self-validating ritualization of royalty as the symbol of national strength and wealth? Wasn?t this being done long before the empire existed anyway? It may all be pointless to the objective observer but just because Middle England is donning its glad rags to do a rain dance for their chief doesn?t make them complicit in subjugation and genocide.

No, no I'm sure the cocktail is a slippery nipple. Altough what would I know I've always been more of an imperial leather man myself. I don't think that's a jubilee joke.

Sorry but that is a bit of a nonsense. The right to protest and free speech in general have bugger all to do with what anyone thinks is fair. That is sort of the point. It is a different story though if a criminal offence is actually being committed. Arguably both the protests that are being spoken of here could have a danger of straying into the territory of harassment or inciting racial hatred respectively. But whether a protest goes on or not should not get decided upon on the grounds of whether the subject matter is somehow valid.

So now you have to have friends or there's no jerk chicken for you bill no mates.

I wonder if they will try to prosecute them for harassment. Surely the right to protest doesn't give you a blanket immunity to criminal liability.

Is that waxed paper on top of the grill? How do you do that then without setting the patio on fire?

Will it make business sense to start scraping the film of white powder off the bank notes?

Nothing really matches with it either.

Women are solar powered.