Muley

Hello Mum, be back around 5.30. What's for tea?

We could all write a letter to Admin begging him to abandon his holiday plans. Post being what it is at present they should get to him in about, ooh, two weeks or so...

A custom made sheepskin rug? Selected sheep slaughtered and specifically sliced suitably square. Ooh, suit you sir.

You want a good guntuft, you do. Try Habitat. What's wrong with the rugs in Turkish brothels anyway?

Come back Brendan, I need some help with my punctuation and grammer.

Or do I mean 'one's own language'?

How annoying when the foreigners speak your own language better than you!

It's a heartwarming image, but sadly I'm not sure DM regards me as someone with who she's on speaking terms.

No, but I may have enjoyed cany relations with Mrs Dobbin the lactating donket. Of course, I was very, very drunk.

Except the clowns. Or foxes. Or cats (but then they just think that all humans exist solely for the purpose of serving them anyway). Ungrateful sods. Did I say 'wishing you a good holiday?' Wishing you a good holiday.

Don't be daft RD, I'm not a real mule. I'm just 'virtual' and only exist in cyber space.

Yes. Let's set fire to the Connery 'mankini' (and put sparklers in the stupid ponytail while we're about it).

Have a great break, well deserved (just pray BBW doesn't stalk you via Facebook and join you on holiday).

Wait, don't go, there's plenty more where they came from...

"How about your unwanted gold? Simply extract the fillings from your teeth and your wifes wedding ring, send them to us, and we'll turn them into CASH!"

"Got an old phone that you no longer use sitting at the back of the dresser? Why not call Bazooma.com and turn your unwanted piece of old crap into CASH!"

Ah, the country... It ain't Bugaboos you need to fear there, it's farmers with their tractors, trailers and combines taking up the entire lane, which might even be tarmac'ed, if you're lucky, while forcing you to cower in the hedge. And psychotic farm dogs trying to chew the tires off your vehicle while it's still moving. And roving herds of sheep straying into your garden and eating it. And the 'your family haven't lived here for the last ten generations, so you must think you're better than us' mentality. Mind you, those Young Farmers barn dances were a laugh.

People. Just people. A good, hard, resounding slap. Not everybody, obviously. I mean, not people like us. Just some of those other people who are a bit, well, y'know what I mean...

Pipe full? That'll be the Arbroath smokie you'll be after.

Pollocks, Huss and Dabs

There aren't even any Pleasure Domes in Porlock. Or Porlock Weir. Or opium eaters. Not even lotus eaters. Just a few chip eaters and cider drinkers. Meh!

What, you mean CSI Porlock? "It wuz 'im wot dun 'im in wiv that boat 'ook. Look, silly sod got 'is DNA all ower it. An' ee went 'n spilled 'is 'ome made scrumpy on the corpse an' all..."

Float On- The Floaters

LlanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyndrobwllantysiliogoGOgochynygofod (in space)- Super Furry Animals

As the great Kirsty McColl once sang "In these shoes? I don't think so..."