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It would have to be someone who can do a plausible Seffriken accent, which rules out any American or British actors. As she grew up in my hometown Charlize Theron may have a stab at it but there would be certain anatomical problems like for instance she has the wrong colour hair. Anyway I question her acting abilities and feel that a Benoni girl running about in foreign parts and winning Oscars is just showing off.


Actually giving it some thought I reckon it can?t be done. You couldn?t capture this on celluloid.

Hmmm Keira Knightley, then in a bid for northern gritty realism I would force feed her Fray Bentos pies, dumpling and endless bowls of steamed pudding and custard. After 12 long months of filming and scoffing she would be a right heifer and Hollywood just doesn't do plump, hence the world would be saved from her wooden vacuous performances forever... splendid.

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    • I've never got Christmas pudding. The only times I've managed to make it vaguely acceptable to people is thus: Buy a really tiny one when it's remaindered in Tesco's. They confound carbon dating, so the yellow labelled stuff at 75% off on Boxing Day will keep you going for years. Chop it up and soak it in Stones Ginger Wine and left over Scotch. Mix it in with a decent vanilla ice cream. It's like a festive Rum 'n' Raisin. Or: Stick a couple in a demijohn of Aldi vodka and serve it to guests, accompanied by 'The Party's Over' by Johnny Mathis when people simply won't leave your flat.
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