a joke

[David Mc]

Now that you've explained it to me, yes. But "whore" vs "war" and Brand vs. Cleese were a bit oblique.

[Mogs]

Don't blame me it was Mr. Mogs joke

[Brendan]

?Qu??

[local estate agent]

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...

It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else!!

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Keef]

The Morning after the Office Party Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home.

It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden. He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene.

He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye.

This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling!

Love, Jillian. x '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper.

His teenaged son was sitting at the table, eating. Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

' Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table ?250

Hot Breakfast ?3.50

Two Aspirins 20p

Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

[kidder]

A young lad with funny hair and hat on asks his mum where his Liverpool top is. She replies "I washed it, and it's hanging outside on the washing line". The lad rushes out to see his shirt lying in the mud. "Mum, why is my Liverpool top on the floor, covered in mud"? His mum looks out of the window. "The thieving bastards", she says, "they've nicked my clothes pegs!"

[Jimbob]

One.

How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?

[Mark]

Horrible F1 accident (see attachment)

[lozzyloz]

That should read "Button involved in horrible F1 accident."

[David Mc]

.

(was a duplicate of LL's post which was on the next page).

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike

English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is

incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your money on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be

Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time

they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that had you waited a

little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won.

[david_carnell]

In ancient Greece this passed for the height of humour:

Someone needled a well-known wit: "I had your wife, without paying a penny". He replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?"

? An Abderite sees a eunuch talking with a woman and asks him if she's his wife. The guy responds that a eunuch is unable to have a wife. "Ah, so she's your daughter? "

? A misogynist is attending to the burial of his wife, who has just died, when someone asks: "Who is it who rests in peace here?". He answers: "Me, now that I'm rid of her!"

[Brendan]

So does that mean Rodney Dangerfield should be described as Neo-Classical?

[Huguenot]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family , so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her theWorking Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense. '

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his

parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked,

he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father:' Dad, I think I understand the

concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words> what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government

is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

[Jimbob]

Pete gets back from his same day appt at DMC,and calls the wife over.

"I,m afraid I,ve some bad news. i,ve only got 24 hrs to live".

After much crying and anguish, they both settle down, when Pete then suggests to the wife that as he only has 24 hrs left, why don,t the make love, so she agrees.

Lying in bed later that day Pete checks the watch and see, s he only has 18 hrs left, so again he suggests making love to the wife, to which she agrees.

That evening he checks the watch only 12 hrs left, so they make love again.

Naturally unable to settle that night Pete checks the watch only 8 hrs to go, so he again asks the wife, she agrees, they make love and when done, she promptly rolls over and falls asleep.

Unable to sleep, Pete checks the watch 4 hrs to go, he gently wakes the wife up, " I,ve only got 4 hrs to go can we make love". She refuses. Pete reminds her he,s only got 4 hrs left in this life.

She turns around to him all bleary eyed, "listen honey I,m not trying to be funny here, but I,ve got to get up in the morning and you don,t".

[YellowHairedLady]

How did the priest find the altar boy in the long grass?

Fantastic

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Wife gets naked & asks hubby,'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up & down and replies,'Your sense of humour!'

[Ladygooner]

2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

[Jimbob]

just been on the news, al quaida have planted bombs in tins of alaphabet spaghetti.

if they go off it could spell disaster.

[Ant]

A mathematician and an engineer are put in a room, and at the other end of the room a gorgeous, naked woman is lying on a bed.

They're told that every minute, they can cover half the distance to the woman. The mathematician immediately walks out of the room, recognizing he'll never get there. The engineer stays.

Asked why he stayed, the engineer says, "In theory I may never get there, but I'll be close enough for practical purposes."

[Moos]

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 years old and went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was a beautiful female assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new to this. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I answered honestly, "Well, not exactly; this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to always make sure it was on tight and secure. I nodded yes but apparently I still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was.

"Just a minute," she said, as she walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?", she asked. I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head rapidly and smile. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I slipped it on nice and secure, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay back on the desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So I climbed up on the desk. It felt so wonderful that unfortunately I couldn't hold back and KAPOW!!, I was done within just a minute, if even that long.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?", she

asked.

I said, "I sure did",,,,,,,,and held up my thumb to show her.

[jumpinjackflash]

Are you man's man??

1, OPENING JARS - she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open

it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars

are men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to

kids makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart

Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the

ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here

love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and

as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other

rubbish noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your

coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then

nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while

everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an

iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying

they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your

hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look

like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you

to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it

says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line"..

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can

safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch

that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean

you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest

of the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.

Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the

blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you

are now your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing

rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY

item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT ?200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the

plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The

only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get

straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is

then. Seven. See ya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do

that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically,

makes you the worlds best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled

in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand

there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer

gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't

make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you

Mad woman?"

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's

right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized dump.

[David Mc]

Why do Estate Agents never look out the window in the morning?

Because they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

[David Mc]

So this guy buys his wife a sports car for her birthday. However, she's not pleased...

"Take it back I don't like it"

"What's wrong with it?"

"I want something that goes from 0 to 240 in 4 seconds"

So he leaves the room and comes back with a set of bathroom scales

"Stand on these then, you fat bitch"