a joke

[Jah Lush]

I did a gig in Cardiff once and had a bit of a run-in with the Welsh Mafia. They made me an offer I couldn't understand.

[Jah Lush]

Coitus Interruptus. That's Latin for Hold the Mayo.:))

[Mark]

Why was Cinderella no good at sport?

Because her coach was a pumpkin

[Mogs]

Or did she keep running away from the ball

[georgia]

A man walks into a doctor's surgery, with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

?What?s the matter with me?? he asked.

?You?re not eating properly?, replied the doctor.

A guy goes into the doctors.

?Doc, I?ve got a cricket ball stuck up my arse.?

?How?s that??

?Don?t you start.?

[mockney piers]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'

After a moment, she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed, and, sometimes, the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and Me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions, and I shoot from six or seven angles. I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work, a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith .

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park, to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. And when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... Equipment? '

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod, and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

[TillieTrotter]

LOL

[Jah Lush]

I lost my dog, so I put an ad in the local paper saying: "Here boy!"

[Jah Lush]

Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a girls night out, and were decidely over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to go to the loo.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. The first woman had nothing to dry herself with so she thought she'd take off her undies, use them, and then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "mine came home with a card stuck to her rear end that said 'From all at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you.'"

[mockney piers]

[Jah Lush]

LOL, brilliant Mockney but I suspect DM won't appreciate the Starbucks one. heh heh heh!>:D

[spadetownboy]

what do you get if you cross a pirate with a robot?

rrrrrrrrrrrr2d2.

[spadetownboy]

just been reading in the paper they,ve invented viagra eye drops.............................they make you look hard.

[nutty]

spadetownboy Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> what do you get if you cross a pirate with a

> robot?

>

> rrrrrrrrrrrr2d2.

That's just brilliant - a wonderful follow on from the "Why are pirates called pirates?" gag.

[georgia]

SPELL CHECKER (remember to use it forumites!)

Eye halve a spelling checker

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marcs four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite

It's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye Have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh

My checker tolled me sew.

[Brendan]

Does anyone else think that Mel Gibson?s remake of The Life of Brian isn?t nearly as funny as the original?

[spadetownboy]

three palestinean women are sitting gossiping.first one goes my boy 16 yrs old hes a suicide bomber two weeks ago boom hes gone. second one goes that nothing my eldest girl 15 yrs old suicide bomber last week boom shes gone. third one goes thats kids for you these days they blow up so quickly.

[citizenED]

Guy goes to the doctors complaining about insomnia. The doctor prescribes some very strong sleeping tablets and some Viagra.

"thanks, Doc", says the guy, "but why the Viagra?"

"The sleeping tabs send you right off to sleep," says the Doc. "and the Viagra stops you falling out of bed."

[spadetownboy]

just heard michael barrymore was released on bail.apparantly on leaving the station the rozzers asked him if he was going going to be doing panto this year.no fucking chance replied micheal, i did aladdin 6yrs ago and i havnt heard the end of it since.

[Jah Lush]

The new Liverpool manager sent scouts around the world looking for a new centre forward to replace his old and decrepit players hoping to win the league. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi player who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.

The manager flies to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-1 down to Everton with only 20 minutes to go. The manager gives the young Iraqi lad the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores four goals in 20 minutes and wins the game.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first game in the Premiership.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today and we were three goals down but I scored four and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum. "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!" says his mum, "You're fucking sorry???? It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

[citizenED]

What is the difference between a man and a ferrari?

With the man, the prick is on the outside

[Asset]

I've heard that one as:

what's the difference between a hedgehog and a range rover?

hedgehogs have the pricks on the outside

[spadetownboy]

apparantly just after bernard manning passed away a member of the press rang up the hospital to enquire about him, dr raj patel replied his condition was satisfactory.

on the same subject he died of renal failure,seems he could take the piss out of everyone but himself.

[Rolo Tomasi]

An Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! `Twas horrid. Just terrible, doctor."

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided was not good?"

"No, no, no, doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. But, sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[jim_the_chin]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals; so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Well," said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister".