a joke

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

[David Mc]

I left my car in a car park the other day; when I came back to it, the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:

I just accidentally reversed into your car.

Quite a few people saw me do it.

They think I'm leaving my name and details.

Well, I'm not.

[Jah Lush]

There's been a new addition to the Karma Sutra. It's called the gas board position - you stay in all day and nobody comes.

[boosboss]

The finest crisp white writing paper,

with hand writing using only the best ink.

Lovingly folded and wrapped in an immaculate envelope.

This is no ordinary P45,

This is an M&S P45! ;-)

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large fire-cracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can

up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting

a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused,

and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand , Tasmania and several suburbs in Cape Town.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may

as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I

admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now

for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and

whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[Jimbob]

ulrika johnsson has been rushed out of the big brother house after sitting on her mobile phone. apparantly its not the first time she,s had an ericsson up her arse.

[mark_bowen]

WIFE:

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:

- silence - -

HUSBAND:

F * ck ....

[Mick Mac]

I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the coffee machine the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the coffee machine to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit.'

[boosboss]

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a

mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were

chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing

a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We

agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found

me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and

said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love

all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I

was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a

raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had

wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing

the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,

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'What's for dinner Batman?'

;-)

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said.

'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'

Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

[giggirl]

This needs to be on the joke thread. It's Joaquim Phoenix rapping.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=TsiWtB0_Sn8

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

What's the difference between Boy George and a scouse car thief?

The Scouser wouldn't have been caught and jailed for forcing his way into the back of an escort!

boom boom

[lozzyloz]

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, .......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f---ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

[Jimbob]

Tony Harts funeral has been pencilled in for Monday.

[Mogs]

Morph has been evicted from his shoe box, as it's required for Tony Harts' ashes

[Jimbob]

The people in Dubai don,t watch The Flintstones, they just don,t get it.

However the people in Abu Dubai do.

[EDOldie]

Pet shops gone bust.

I hear they've called in the retrievers

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now,80 plus years later,the history book asks usif we knowwhat ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.

Charles Schwab ,died a pauper.

2 The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson , went insane.

3 The president of the NYSE,

Richard Whitney ,was released from prison to die at home.

4 The greatest wheat speculator,

Arthur Cooger ,died abroad, penniless.

5 The president of

the Bank of International Settlement,

shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,

Cosabee Livermore ,

also committed suicide.

However:

in that same year,

1923,the PGA Champion

and the winner of

the most important golf tournament,

the US Open,

was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92,

died in 1999 at the age of 95.

He was financially secure

at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw work.

Play golf.

[Jah Lush]

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. ''Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet somelocal folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonnabe some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again. "

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

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"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

[jumpinjackflash]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack..

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is ?8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to

find out how to go about this."Well" said the doctor, "this is a very

delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong.

I will have to remove 50% of your brain"."That's OK" said the Englishman.

"I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror

on the face of the doctor."I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said.

"Instead of removing half the brain, I've removed 80%".

The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

[Tony.London Suburbs]

Rhinestone Cowboy Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he

> visited a doctor to

> find out how to go about this."Well" said the

> doctor, "this is a very

> delicate operation and there is a lot that can go

> wrong.

> I will have to remove 50% of your brain"."That's

> OK" said the Englishman.

> "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared

> to take the risk".

> The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke

> to find a look of horror

> on the face of the doctor."I'm so terribly

> sorry!!" the doctor said.

> "Instead of removing half the brain, I've removed

> 80%".

>

>

> The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

I'm just going to plagirise this and put it on an Australian Forum:I'll let you know the responses:))