a joke

[spadetownboy]

i went for my yearly medical today, the nurse told me i,d have to stop wanking.

whys that i replied,

because im trying to examine you she retorted.

[mockney piers]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol.

Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said,

"What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm out of petrol."

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?"

The bee answered , "BP"

[spadetownboy]

on a similar note, i got locked out of my car last week and not being with the aa,rac or anyone else i was stuck what to do.at that point a passing soldier asked what the problem was and after explaining he went no probs mate promptly walked round to the drivers door and had it opened in seconds.i asked did he have some sort of tool,nah mate he replied its the old carkey(khaki) trousers works every time.

[Jah Lush]

Q: What do you call a pretty girl on a drummer's arm?

A: A tattoo.

[Asset]

Q: what do you call a homeless musician?

A: single

[Jah Lush]

Two drummers walk past a bar... Hey! Come on, it could happen.

[Asset]

How do you tell when the drummer's riser is level?

The dribble comes out both sides

[ratty]

Why do women where Make Up and Perfume?

[ratty]

Because they're ugly and they stink!

[spadetownboy]

ratty Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Because they're ugly and they stink!

some of them certainly do once they apply the stuff.

[jim_the_chin]

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

[TillieTrotter]

>:D

[jim_the_chin]

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One to screw it in and one too hold his cock....I mean ladder

How many Oxford Dons does it take to change a lightbulb?

CHANGE?

[spadetownboy]

jim_the_chin Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

>

> Phillipe Phillope

apparantly if you put them on the wrong feet they become flop flips.

[spadetownboy]

what a day i was sitting relaxing in front of the box when the door went, who was there only shane ritchie with a film crew,hi shouts shane we,re here to do the daz doorstep challenge. i said you,ll have to come back later mate my da,s not in.

[mockney piers]

[nutty]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said, "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin"

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said, "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[nutty]

Keef Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Why was 6 scared of 7?

>

> Cos 7, 8, 9!!! :))

>

> Why did the baker's hands smell?

>

> Because he kneaded a poo :-S

Ooh reminded me of:

Why does Tigger smell?

Because he's always playing with Poo.

[Mark]

What do you call a little German who lives in a tin?

Heinz

[jim_the_chin]

popbitch mark? mining the depths there... ;)

[Mark]

yes, I was going to credit them as someone was bound to pick it up. Anyway...

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He narrowed it down to one of two people -- Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that whichever one used the water cooler first the following morning would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."

[TillieTrotter]

That took me a while to get that Mark. Very good>:D

[Huguenot]

Blinking heck, I still don't get it

[TillieTrotter]

Come on Hugo, think man, think

[Huguenot]

I get this with crossword puzzles, I may be thunking too deep.

Heinz canned vegetables - is that all?