a joke

[Rolo Tomasi]

The 11th Husband....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a vi*rgin'.

'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?'

'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

'Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

'Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

'Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

'Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

'Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

'Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

'Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........God I miss him.

'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?

'Your're with the GOVERNMENT'.. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCR*EWED.'

[Jah Lush]

Learn chinese in 5 minutes!!

1. Thats not right (Sum Ting Wong)

2. See me ASAP (Kum Hia Nao)

3. Small horse (Tai Ni Po Ni)

4. U need a facelift (Chin Tu Fat)

5. I thought u were on a diet (Wai Yu Mun Ching)

6. Hes cleaning car (Wa Shing Ka)

7. Your body odour is offensive (Yu Stin Ki Pu)

8. This is a tow away zone (No Pah King)

9. Stupid man (Dum Fuk)

10. Great! (Fa Kin Su Pah)

[Mogs]

Why does the elephant have Big Ears?

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom

[SteveT]

Why do ducks have webbed feet, to stamp out forest fires

why do elephants have big feet, to stamp out burning ducks

[Jah Lush]

IRISH LOVE STORY

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, the aroma of his favourite scones comes wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon......

Feck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

[brianb]

got a new car sterio, voice activated. i shout "country " it plays dolly parton

i shout rock and it plays guns & roses... was driving thru town yesterday & some little

brats ran out in front of me. i shouted fuckin kids and it played gary glitter

[lozzyloz]

Not really a joke, more a cheeky pastche

[spadetownboy]

what did st.patrick say to the snakes when the was driving them out of ireland?

are ye ok in the back boys.

[mockney piers]

Welsh Films

9? Leeks

Trefforest Gump

Cwmando

The Lost Boyos

Huw Dares Gwyneth

Dai Hard

The Wizard of Oswestry

Cool Hand Look-you

Sheepless in Seattle

The Eagle has Llandudno

The Magnificent Severn

Haverfordwest Was Won

Austin Powys

The Magic Rhonddabout

Independence Dai

The llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch That Time Forgot

The Bridge on the River Wye

Lawrence of Llandybie

A Beautiful Mind-you

The Sheepshag Redemption

Breakfast at Taffynys

Look You Back in Bangor

Evans Can Wait

A Fishguard Called Rhondda

Where Eagles Aberdare

Dial M For Merthyr

[RosieH]

Q: Who led the Pedant's Revolt?

A: Which Tyler

(with apologies if it's already appeared - couldn't face reading the entire thread)

[Jah Lush]

Evolution of British maths teaching

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for ?100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for ?100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or ?80.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for ?100.

His cost of production is ?80.

Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for ?100.

His cost of production is ?80 and his profit is ?20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2008

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

He does this so he can make a profit of ?20.

What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )

6. Teaching Maths 2018

? ?????? ???? ????? ????? ?? ????? ?? ??? 100 ?????. ???? ????? ??????? ?? ?????. ?? ?? ????? ???

[bignumber5]

2 fish in a tank - one says to the other "do you know how to drive this thing?"

[georgia]

After his break up with Heather, Paul McCartney was asked if he would ever

consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if

we called her Heather.

Many have attributed their problems to the present

that Paul bought Heather prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic

leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Rosie, that cracked me up.

[spadetownboy]

mockney piers Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Welsh Films

>

> 9? Leeks

> Trefforest Gump

> Cwmando

> The Lost Boyos

> Huw Dares Gwyneth

> Dai Hard

> The Wizard of Oswestry

> Cool Hand Look-you

> Sheepless in Seattle

> The Eagle has Llandudno

> The Magnificent Severn

> Haverfordwest Was Won

> Austin Powys

> The Magic Rhonddabout

> Independence Dai

> The

> llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio

> gogogoch That Time Forgot

> The Bridge on the River Wye

> Lawrence of Llandybie

> A Beautiful Mind-you

> The Sheepshag Redemption

> Breakfast at Taffynys

> Look You Back in Bangor

> Evans Can Wait

> A Fishguard Called Rhondda

> Where Eagles Aberdare

> Dial M For Merthyr

tom jones ?

the rhyl mc coy.

a bridgend too far

[annaj]

Why do anarchists drink herb tea?

Because all proper tea is theft!

[giggirl]

Not really a joke but made me laugh out loud

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDg7kWgs5e0&eurl

[OutOfFocus]

Patient:Dr Dr, I have diarrhoea.

annaj: When did you find out

Patient: When I took my cycle clips off

[Jah Lush]

A man in a shellsuit goes into a posh furriers.

He says to the shop assistant "I want a coat".

The shop assistant, barely concealing her disdain, asks "What fur?"

The man replies "Fur ma girlfriend".

[Mark]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.

She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?"

The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."

[AllyCat]

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn''t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I''m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick''s refrigerator....."

[SteveT]

A poor man goes in to a pet shop and buys a black and white dog, cos he thinks the licence will be cheaper

[giggirl]

Pray for me ED; I'm going to hell.

[benjaminty]

What do you do if you see a space man?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

park in it man!

Aherm... Sorry

[KalamityKel]

9 WORDS WOMEN USE - apologises if this or a similar one has already been posted... it is always helpful to have a gentle reminder ;-)

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.