Innuendos R US !!!

[LuvPeckham]

I am getting a mite fed up with the threads that talk openly about men and women's bits on this forum at the moment (hides behind handbag and says "ohhhhhhhh")

So I thought I would try something a little more subtle !!

A conversation made up of Innuendos rather then being blatant and open like some other conversations

Rules are quite simple, only conversations containing innuendos are allowed, no actual rude words or direct references to body parts unless they are part of an innuendo - Let's keep it clean but very much in the vein of a good Carry on film (Maybe this should be called "carry on giving decent 'ED")

So to start you off?

"I thought I would slip a quick one in to see how big it gets before it gets deflated again"

Yours LuvPeckham (AKA Mary Whitehouse)

[bon3yard]

Wow, everyone seems to be in a rather testy mood today.

[HonaloochieB]

I think the rain's dampened their ardour.

[SimonM]

If I could think of a decent innuendo I would give you one.

[HonaloochieB]

I don't whether I'll be able to go to work today, I woke up this morning stiff as a board.

[LuvPeckham]

It is good to see that you are ENTERING THE MASS DEBATE in the spirit it was inteneded for however there is a nice pair shown already and I hope to see a few more rammed in down the bottom before it explodes

(Does damn good Sydney James laugh at this point)

[Keef]

I'm so tired I'm going to collapse on to the sofa this evening. The wife will probably have to pull me off to get me to bed!

[KalamityKel]

Ok not quite an innuendo - more of a true accidental verbal mistake by one of my colleagues earlier today when describing a particular seat...

"oh yes madam there will be plenty of room to spread your legs"

A lovely shade of red on both sides of the counter!

[KalamityKel]

"can you believe it there was this really big head in front of me the whole evening, and he was grunting all night but the garden scene was fab. Yes I liked the dress rehearsal and I think it may now be my favourite opera"

[HonaloochieB]

I've recently joined a campanology group. I try my best but sometimes feel intimidated by the more experienced members.

Last week I had neglected to ensure my instrument had been maintained properly and after a particularly vigourous session I was left clutching the handle while my bell-end flew across the room.

The others found me a replacement, though I think they were trying to palm me off with an old one whose clapper was spent.

[citizenED]

I was going to post something on here but the doorbell rung and it was a workman with the delivery of timber I ordered. I wanted it to be put in the garden and the silly git wanted to bring it through the house! I've just got to go and show him how to take it up the back passage...

[giggirl]

I'm putting in a word for Mrs. Slocombe's pussy before someone else slips it in

[LuvPeckham]

I was at a conference a while ago with a work colleague and he turned up late and consequently sat at the back of the room, in the break I called out to him to come and join me at the front to which he replied

"No thanks, I prefer it up the rear" :-$

It doesn?t get better then real life !!!

[We-All-Adora-Marmora]

Sweet Home Alabama!

As a newbie and having just been booted off of some serious thread (invariably about property prices) for popping off-topic, I find this beauty ? Innuendos R US !!! Hoorah!

Far more suited to the musings the imaginatively inclined?. indeed ("hrrrumphf" clears throat)...imagine my delight as I felt myself rising to the occasion ? and what an occasion; grappling with and bedding down a rounded, firm and ripe innuendo!

Hmmmm, I mused. Where to start?

For this innuendo had to be grammatically robust, penetrative and deeply satisfying; indeed, I?d need to fully explore its possibilities and, ultimately, thrust its point to a steady climax - either in the form of a dot, dot, dot or a conclusive, hard full stop.

And how would I lay bare said innuendo for all to see?

Well, I might choose to spank said innuendo onto parchment paper, scan its arse and post it double J-pegs for all to see. But first, I'd need to replenish my pen-nib by plunging it deep into sodden ink-pot, withdrawing quickly ? nib laden and glistening before sinking said nib back toward that magic spot at the end of said innuendo... "Ooh right there! Bosh!(?!)" heaving with exhaustion, full stop administered, pen nib back in sheath, kettle on, rich tea biccys at the ready, job done.

Buy hey, probably quicker to just bang one out on the computer, though given the Nazis in IT, I might well find myself in a sticky situation.

Enough already! Time to pen said innuendo?.

[giggirl]

All hail Marmora - Mills and Boon is alive and kicking in ED - time to give up your day job!

[SteveT]

When I think of innuendo's I think of Jane Austen so I guess it is a more feminine trait, I find it less complicated to tell it straight and risk being screwed down in the lounge by admin'

[HonaloochieB]

I find myself facing the vexing matter of floor coverings once again.

My hallway and sleeping quarters both require a refit and I am on the horns of a dilemma. Carpet? Oak boards? Which in where?

Should I plump for a quality shag up my passageway and lay down some wood in the bedroom? Or vice-versa?

Honestly I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

[shoshntosh]

anyone experiencing trouble with their mouse balls? mine seems sticky, won't do as i want it to do, seems desperately in need of replacing... i like them smooth (see other post in "does size of a man's tackle matter")

[HonaloochieB]

Thinking up innuendos isn't as simple as it used to be.

Time was when I could toss them off 'til the cows came.

Sadly they don't come that quickly any more

[ozzie]

I have recently joined a local Sunday morning football team.

Being of great age and declining years and not as fit as I once was, the coach said that I could play for the first half but he would pull me off at half-time.

"Bloody hell" I thought, we only used to get an orange with the last team I played for.

[TillieTrotter]

LOL @ ozzie

[char1ie]

I have fond memories of the American tour of Give Us A Clue, especially when the cast was invited to perform at the White House. Who can forget the sight of Una Stubbs, her arms working like hammers, as she pulled off All The Presidents Men... in 90 seconds.

[Michael Palaeologus]

I have just turned on my TV to watch "The Deadliest Catch". Imagine my surprise to find that the programme is actually about rufty tufty men who go out of their way to catch crabs. When they pull out their tackle (ibid), dripping as it is with salty residues, they carefully pull the crabs from their tackle and inspect them. Stangely the aim is to catch the maximum number of crabs in one dip. They swap information with each other as to the best places to catch crabs and many of them gather around to take in turns to satisfy their needs. The really greedy ones all go in at the same time. This can get very messy, with seamen all over the place and the danger of losing members if a box snaps shut too quickly. They do this both at day and night and only take a rest when they are soaked to the skin and their rubbers have leaked. What is clear is that it is the younger chaps who have to bend over backwards to show their potential to satisfy the older members. Only after a very close inspection of their proudly displayed brown starfish will the younger chaps be broken in. This can be quite a brutal process with lots of shouting as a number of experienced chaps try and break in the younger chaps without damaging their potential; things can be quite tight.

Who would have thought it? But then, this is Channel 4.

[HonaloochieB]

After that I think the brown star that is this thread may well implode on coming into contact with MP's post.

I doff my cap in your direction and tug my forelock in admiration.

Great stuff.

[HonaloochieB]

Sometimes it's only angling that gives me pleasure.

Yesterday I spent a relaxing few hours on a secluded river bank rifling through my flies.