What to do.

['bout now]

Thanks to the power of a couple of pints, I am able to post this. It's a serious question but posting in the Lounge I am prepared for sensible and comic answers, so here goes.

My Mother died a couple of years ago. About a year before, whilst I was going through some troubles in my now defunct marriage she took me to the pub. I told her what was going on and looked at her, she was crying. I asked her what was wrong and then she told me a secret.

In 1947 my Mum and her family emigrated to New Zealand on one of those ?1 things, on arrival my Grandfather (whom I never met) decided he'd got it wrong and turned tails to go back home. My Mother decided to stay, she was seventeen and smelt some adventure (yes, even in "40's NZ). She remained there for 10 years. The reason was that she met a guy and became pregnant. This being just after the war, with abortion a dangerous and illegal thing, she had the baby, a little girl, who was subsequently adopted. It appears that my Mother stayed out of shame, not because of the great adventure she had previously led us to believe.

On returning home she came to London, met my Dad and got married but carried this secret until she confessed to me and asked me never to tell anyone.

the thing is I discovered I had a sister at the age of 39, I can't tell my brother or my Father, let alone her surviving sisters and brother and it weighs upon me.

What would you do?

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Well done - beer brave is an awfully good thing!

Only my opinion but:

1. I don't think you are obliged to consider your aunts and uncles in this, it is not their business.

2. I don't think your father needs to hear this at all but,

3. I think your brother has a right to know.

One option is to wait until your father has died. The other is to swear your brother to secrecy - perhaps start by taking him to a pub and draw upon the circumstance to tell him what your mother said.

Between the two of you, you need to decide whether to try and contact your sister, bearing in mind that she might feel rejected by your mother's sense of secrecy and shame.

Not easy decisions at all and I wish you good luck.

I expect there is some sort of organisation that would offer counselling and advice in this sort of situation - perhaps try looking online for such a thing.

It seems Barnardos offers this service: making connections

[Ladygooner]

If I was in the same position I would tell your family and then go look for your sister. I believe that your mother wanted them to know her secret otherwise she wouldn't have told you after all those years.

[Brendan]

If you?re going to do anything about it I would consider making contact with your sister first before you tell you family. She may not want to have anything to do with anyone.

[sophiesofa]

I think your brother needs to know because if he ever found out some other way it could create a huge family rift. Also you will be able to support each other because it must be a huge thing to go through and even more so with the secrecy element making you feel guilty. PGC is right though, it's probably best to speak to an organisation who can offer advice. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

[GSJ57]

My mother in law recently connected with her daughter that she had put up for adoption 60 years ago - my husband was thrilled to find out he had another sister and only wishes that he had known sooner! His mum had kept it a secret all these years - it was such a shameful thing in the 1940's. I agree with Brendan though..... see if you can find her first and then tell your brother.

Good luck.

[giggirl]

PCG is a wise bird. Seek some professional counselling with Barnados. This is a well trodden path and there will be many aspects that none of us have thought about. They will help you find a course that is right for you and does the least damage.

My heart goes out to your poor mother who at 17 (no more than a child) went through this ordeal on her own. How she must have cried for the daughter she gave up. I am glad that you and your brother brought happiness into her life, but nothing compensates a parent for a lost child.

[hibbs]

I'm with brendon, I really hope it all works out for you.

['bout now]

Thank you everyone for you're considered and kind responses. They mirror the mental roundabout that I have been on for the past couple of years.

PGC you are indeed a wise bird, I had no idea about Barnardo"s counselling service, thank you so much.

Giggirl, thanks for making me cry, that's exactly what I have always thought. As a father to two girls myself I cannot begin to understand how my Mum dealt with her secret for so long. Funnily I love her even more because of that.

GSJ57 Again thanks, a story with a good ending doesn't go amiss.

So Barnardo's here I come.

However if anybody comes up with a wizaed cure-all for this dilemma, I'm all ears.

Thanks

Alastair

[woofmarkthedog]

The truth should out now, good luck though

W**F

[Keef]

What Brendan said.

[giggirl]

If we can't cry for our mothers then who else is worthy? Your mother was a most remarkable woman BN; she shielded everyone, from 1947 until has last day.

There are many people whose feelings need to be carefully considered and I know you want to be sensitive to those involved. Very important that you speak to someone who is experienced in matters of adoption.

Although your mother didn't want you to tell anyone, don't forget that in her mind she had done something shameful.

Maybe you have a half sister who would rather be left alone; or maybe she needs to know that she had a mother who mourned her loss for half a century.

Maybe your father, brother, aunts and uncles would be better left in ignorance but maybe they would cherish your mother's memory even more for knowing the sacrifice she made.

You have some tough decisions ahead of you and I hope you find the wisdom to make them.

[PeckhamRose]

I agree with what has been said.

Get the counselling.

Go see if you can find her.

Then maybe if she wants to be 'known', tell your brother.

My own family is very disparate and a bit of a nightmare, and I wonder if your brother may be concerned as to why she told you her secret and not him. Do you know what I mean? But all those 'ifs' aside, I really hope things work out and I don't know about anyone else but I kind of feel 'honoured' you chose to come to us for advice!

[daizie]

Oh go find your sister , life is too short to do anything else :)

[vinceayre]

I was put in an orphanage at birth until aged three and then adopted and I would like to know my family history but don't want to upset my mother,so my advice is find her on the understanding she may well tell you to get lost.

[charliecharlie]

'bout now... brave.... what a tough dilemma

and you have really brought out the 'heart' in the forum

lots of good and thoughtful advice already so...

hope it pans out well

xxCC

[RosieH]

'bout now - glad you came on here, that's a tough one to struggle with on your own.

Many wise words above, but I would think about talking to your brother before you look at potentially seeking out your sister. It's a burden to struggle with a family secret alone (as no doubt your mum knew only too well) - this is a lot for you to process on your own and if you and he are close, perhaps talking to your brother would be some support for both of you.

Good luck.

[????]

I'm with Rosie.

You're obviously struggling with this (understandably) hence your post, so unless there are mitigating circumstances say around you and your brothers relationship or his capability to take this on board, then I'd share it with him and see what he thinks. Other than that I agree that I probably wouldn't let your dad know and if you're going to trace a half sister you need to see if she wants that (I guess agencies can help you with that one). It really feels like you need to share this 'burden' fella for your own good.

[Sue]

daizie Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Oh go find your sister , life is too short to do

> anything else :)

xxxxxx

Yes I agree.

Then take it from there, depending on the outcome.

Get whatever counselling you need to before., during and after.

Good luck and hugs.

[Alabama]

i'm seconding Brendan, too - it would be worth doing a bit of digging, then see how you feel once you've started getting info. If you feel you need the support then you could approach your brother or if not, try and make contact? good luck though - let us know how you get on.

[dulwichmum]

My very best friend, we met at the age of 4, has always known she was adopted, and although she adored her parents, she wanted for nothing, she had no siblings. She lost her father recently and she was crushed. She has four lovely children and a nice husband.

My friend went looking for her mum, via Barnardo's and discovered several siblings. One sister has always lived around the corner, as a child and now in another location as an adult. I have to say, my great friend now has contentment. She is now one of a big family. They don't have lots of shared interest, she has not found soul mates, but she has completed her jigsaw - if you see what I mean.

[iaineasy]

edited because I misread the original post.

sorry.x

[reenie40]

My husband, when he was in his early thirties, received a letter from a sister he didn't know he had. His mother had fallen pregnant in Ireland in the early 60s and been placed in a convent to have her baby. Luckily because she was a bit older, and a strong character, she refused to leave until she knew where the nuns were placing the baby, who was adopted by a very distant cousin.

My husband said he always felt his mother, who died when he was in his late teens, was sad about something throughout his childhood and felt an great sense of relief when he realised why. He went to Ireland and met with his sister and although, for various reasons, they are no longer in contact it was a very positive thing for both him and her.

Good luck with your search.

[legalbeagle]

Lots of good advice so far, and much to think about. But also remember 'bout now, there is no right answer. You can only do your best with the hand you've been dealt. Be kind to yourself. If you act from the heart, and with the best of intentions, then whatever the outcome, you have done "the right thing".

['bout now]

Thanks all for sharing your collective wisdom and experiences. I have made a plan, concocted from what I have read and using a little of my own instinct. I'll let you know how it all plays out.

You're a top bunch, don't let anyone say it isn't so!