Top Tips

[waynetta]

Live every day as if its your last by converting your bedroom into an intensive care ward, insering pipes into your nose and lying in bed all day, saying and doing nothing.

[daizie]

RECREATE the smell of farts by opening a pack of Iceland's diced chicken

[waynetta]

Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

[waynetta]

On hot summer nights, keep cool in bed by using a hot water bottle filled with liquid nitrogen.

[TillieTrotter]

Keep it up girls. You're amusing me.

[waynetta]

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

[omniprescient]

Don't waste time by making up your own top tips - simply trawl through the internet and use other people's

(you all know who you are..)

[waynetta]

How dare you suggest that these handy tips and advice we are coming up with are not the products of our own inspiration.:-S

I am deeply offfended Ominpresent but I shall plough on regardless

Don't change your trousers simply because the pockets are full. Add extra pockets by suspending old socks from the belt loops.

[omniprescient]

Oh yes waynetta - and I suppose you will also be advising people to icrease the weight of these trousers by threading onions throgh the belt loops as well?? And I also suppose you'll be advising people not to waste money on espensive boil-in - the -bag cod with parsley sauce but instead just placing a fish finger inside a used condom with some grass clippings?? I wonder where you got those ideas from?

[waynetta]

If you foul the air in someone else's bathroom, disguise the smell by lighting a match and setting fire to the hand towel.

[daizie]

HAHAHAHA Waynetta :))

[katie1997]

omniprescient Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Don't waste time by making up your own top tips -

> simply trawl through the internet and use other

> people's

>

> (you all know who you are..)

the way I see it, this thread provides an essential community service for the busy people of ED* who simply don't have the time to trawl through viz....er, the internet thingy for such quality tips.

we can't be expected to provide citations for all of our material, we'd never get any 'real' work done now, would we?

*thats ED, not "Sydders"

[omniprescient]

A couple of sheets of used bog roll makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting Leicester.

[woofmarkthedog]

Really...

This was a serious thread & now look at it

Is nothing sacred?

* looks in mirror *

"Hello black kettle*

W**F

[daizie]

GHOSTS can also be used as bedsheets

[waynetta]

Polo mints make ideal 'life belts' for earwigs. Except they don't float. And they dissolve in water.

[skidmarks]

Don?t waste your money on an Ipad just hold your Iphone closer to your face

[waynetta]

Find your way to the toilet in the dark by tying a length of string from the toilet bowl to the door handle. Simply straddle the string and slide the cleft of your buttocks along it until you feel the toilet seat touch your genitals. Simple.

[skidmarks]

It is like reading a copy of the Viz! One of my favourites is:

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

All found here

http://www.fishtank.org.uk/humour/humour.php3?articleid=61

[daizie]

Gerontophiles recreate the sensation of hving sex with a pensioner by purchasing a blowup doll but only 1/2 inflating it

[skidmarks]

Arf

Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

[waynetta]

Can't remember the artist or title of a song stuck in your head? Simply record and release the song and wait to be sued for breach of copyright. The information you need will be on the writ.

[daizie]

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again

[waynetta]

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

[omniprescient]

Recreate your holiday in the west country by buying some exhorbitantly priced scones and clotted cream from shepherds in Dulwich village and then eat them whilst standing under a cold shower.