Top Tips

[HAL9000]

CONVINCE people that you are a CSI by examining everything with a pocket torch, even in broad daylight.

[katie1997]

HAL - Did you forget to log in as 'waynetta'?

(I deliberately didn't quote you. You can thank me later)

[HAL9000]

Oops - busted!

[HAL9000]

CONVINCE people that you are waynetta by posting a top tip using your 'other' screen name by mistake.

[Grandma1]

> Thanks for that life-changing tip daizie, but why

> lemon juice?

Presumably because it looks like pee-pee? Whereas the Mars bar looks like poo-poo?

[daizie]

Elephant tusks make ideal tooth-picks for Esther Rantzen

[Cookey]

Don't put all your eggs in one basket, put all of them in the fridge they will last longer.

[Jah Lush]

TODAYS TOP TIP: Why not recreate the feeling of visiting a Soho peepshow by wearing a burka to a nudist beach.

[Narnia]

daizie Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Whats happened to waynetta?

Couldn't compete with you and deactivated herself!

[Fabricio the Guido]

Save yourself the agony and heartache of a break up by getting your significant other to dump you. Tell her you think you fancy her (a) best friend; (b) brother; © sister; (d) mother; (e) father. Delete as appropriate.

[daizie]

Trick your Friends into thinking you've completely lost 'the Plot' by imagining you are wearing a 'Magic Cloak' : Simply lift both arms together, bring them around to meet at the front whilst simutaneously dropping your head as if hiding under said Cloak. After a second or two, bring your arms backwards and finally lif...t your head. Make this look even more convincing by saying out loudly, " Now you see me....Now you Don't ! "

[brum]

Young men - grow your hair long while you can, then cut it all off and keep it safe. Then when you're older... and bald... simply use your hair cuttings to create a natural toupe and no one will ever know.

I just wish I had thought of this myself 30 years ago....

[daizie]

Ah thanks for reminding me :) PEOPLE OF THE 1970s. For free wireless simply pop one under your brown leather jacket next time you're in Rumbelows.

[Annette Curtain]

This is a genuine Top Tip.

If you are going out on the razz BUT don't wish to take a purse or wallet, then I use this to keep my cash card safer.

Take x 1 elastic band & wrap it around the card a couple of times, then put the card in your safest pocket.

The elastic band stops the card accidently sliding out. ( in most circumstances )

It works for me.

Nette:)

[Narnia]

That reminds of another safe place to keep things. Sitting next to a Danish lady on a flight back to London from somewhere, we land and come to a halt. Instantly she inserts her hand inside her blouse and lo and behold her mobile phone appears. Remarking upon this interesting place to keep a phone she did say that there was plenty of room. The drawback is that you would need to be wearing a bra but if you do then you could probably keep a card in there too.

Perhaps Nette can experiment and let us know.

PS I expect this would help those females on here who tend to drop their phones in the toilet. Has it recovered OD?

[daizie]

PARENTS: Convince your kids that school days are the best days of their life by beating them senseless during the weekends and holidays

[brum]

Convince everyone that 'the grass is always greener on the other side' by painting your own grass very green.

[aspidistra]

Visiting Japan?

Why not make the most of your stay by studying for a Foundation Degree in Applied Nuclear Disaster Management? On-site internships providing hands-on experience available for the right candidates.

[David Mc]

JOCKEYS: riding a unicorn will often give you the advantage when it comes to photo-finishes.

[David Mc]

COMMUTERS: Convince passing traffic you were on 'Come Dine With Me' by riding a black cab home and holding up laminated numbers.

[daizie]

Scare and confuse people by wearing a fur coat and crawling around in hedges

[David Mc]

MUMS: Don't go to Iceland for your shopping. Your local high street is much nearer and you won't have to worry about customs.

[oilworker]

Get a box of apples and put beside it a box of pears. Then compare them.

[oilworker]

Guys - convince doubters that chalk and cheese are in fact very similar by taking a wedge-shaped piece of chalk, painting it yellow and keping it down the front of your trousers for some time.

[Laddy Muck]

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