When your other half goes back to work- how did you get on??...

[MrsC]

Hi all

Im pleased to say we had our first child just after the new year, and myself and hubby have been very busy getting to grips with our little boy and all the 'delights' a newborn brings.

Its now suddenly dawning on me that hubby goes back to work from paternity leave next week, and eeek! Ive realised Im suddenly going to be left in full control of the reins!

I think we have both learnt lots already but Im just wondering how on earth other people have managed with the logistics of

really simple stuff like showering, getting dressed etc (all stuff me and hubby would take turns with while the other kept an eye on the baby)

Any tips would be really appreciated. Also, are there any clubs or classes in the week that you found really useful to get you out and about?(and not overawed)!

Would be great to hear from anyone who has top tips from when they had to fend for themselves...and of course if there are any women in the same situation itd be great to meet up and brave our first solo shopping/coffee outings together!

Mrs C x

[R&A]

today is my first day on my own too. I waited for the baby's lunchtime nap and ran around, showering, eating, tidying and putting the washing on etc.

keen to hear top tips too though

my saving grace has been a battery powered baby monitor which i can take with me as i run around doing all the chores whilst he sleeps

it's the loneliness that i'm not looking forward to - a tougher nut to crack - saying that east dulwich must be a better place than most for mum/baby events

[Sanne Panne]

Congratulations first of all!

When my baby was small I would try to do everything while she was asleep (usually not longer than 35 minutes in one go during the day...) - I'd shower quite quickly and with the door open, or even with the babyphone with me. My clothes would be in the room where the baby was so I'd get dressed there. When she was awake I used to just take her wherever I went for more than a couple of minutes (including hanging laundry or showering), in a moses basket or bouncy seat (don't remember when we started using the bouncy seat). You just won't do anything at your own pace for a good while I fear (not on weekdays at least)! After a few weeks you'll be more comfortable with the situation and you'll probably be able to relax a bit more (and make that sandwich without bringing your baby to the kitchen haha - but again, take advantage of the naps unless you're too tired yourself).

As for places to go, I had a summer baby so just went to the park. In your case you could pick any buggy friendly pub or cafe while your baby doesn't need active entertaining yet. It's probably a bit early for playgroups etc although you can meet other mums there. And NCT organises teagroups as well, maybe someone else on the forum has more information about that.

Good luck with it!

[lorraineliyanage]

I used to bathe and do all other bathroom rituals with the baby on the changing mat on the floor in the bathroom with me. I also had quite a few "showers" in the sink, including washing my hair!

[The Nappy Lady]

Hello Mrs C,

HUGE congratulations on the arrival of your baby. I remember the first time I was home alone with baby no.1 and it did feel a bit daunting.

Re showering - I found that if you pop baby in a bouncy chair or similar in the room with you they are often content to watch you shower (even relax in a bath - even better)! You can always sing to entertain them! As they get older I had a stairgate outside the bathroom on the landing leaving access to the nursery and the bathroom so baby would potter back and forth etc. and it always seemed to work well. There are times when they cry, but rare, and they do seem to learn that when you are in the shower they just have to get on with it. I know others leave baby in the cot whilst showering, which is also a good option as you know they are safe and contained, or wait until nap time.

Toilet trips - take them with you (yes really), or before they are mobile leave them on a play mat!

I find they always seem to wake up and want holding when you are trying to get yourself some food, or just as you sit down to eat it. Having a relaxed meal becomes a distant memory, and when they are asleep you end up rushing around trying to do the 100 jobs you have on your list, but my advice would be to make a list divided into 3 columns headed up MUST be done, SHOULD be done, COULD be done, then think long and hard about what really needs to go into the MUST be done column....cleaning and ironing go in COULD be for sure, and to be honest the more stuff you can let slip for the next few months the better, it isn't the end of the world. I would say having a shower, and (if you wear it) putting make up on is very important though as it makes you feel good/better about yourself, even if your clothes have baby sick on etc!!

My lovely Mother in Law actually gave me this advice, told me so what if the house only gets cleaned now and again, in a years time you can clean it every week if you want to, and those baby cuddles will be a dim and distant memory - she was so right!

But do try to eat as first priority when baby naps in the day, rather than doing the jobs first, otherwise you end up not eating...oh and when you get the chance to make a cup of tea/coffee make extra and put some in a flask, that's a great tip I got from someone else on here!

2nd time around it was all much easier, but I still had moments of lugging baby around on hip, doing it all one handed and feeling tired and emotional...that's motherhood I guess. Oh, if anyone wants to visit, give them baby for a cuddle and do as much as you can, whilst you can with 2 hands!! People don't always like to ask for a cuddle, but really want one, and you can get LOADS done whilst they enjoy baby time.

Lots of lovely baby groups around, all friendly and worth trying to know of 1 thing to potentially do each day (when you feel like it), to get you out of the house a bit. Stuff close to home is good, not sure where you are logistically, but check out Surestart stuff, bookstart at the library, the Friday morning thing now on at the Magdala, NCT thing on Friday mornings I think at Goose Green (Bumps and Babes?), Ivydale School playgroup Mon, Wed, Fri mornings if you are Nunhead way.....

Good luck! You will be fine!

Molly

[The Nappy Lady]

Just laughing at us all taking babies with us around the house when they are tiny and immobile, what do we think they are actually going to do if we leave them alone on a mat for 5 minutes?!

Playgroups with tiny baby are lovely though as you get to sit and natter and drink tea without having to go and rescue them from climbing on chair/pushing another child/wielding paint brush over another child's head etc. etc. But must admit I liked being able to sit and watch rubbish daytime TV and snoozing whilst breastfeeding (not recommended I know, but sometimes it just happens) in those first couple of months.

Molly

[Pickle]

Ooooh, I remember the terror I felt that first day I had to wave goodbye to my husband and was left holding the baby!

Like others I used to try to use the time he was asleep to get stuff done. Our washing machine has a delay function, so I used to put all the clothes in it at night and set it to finish in the morning (I still do this now!), then either hubbie would hang it before work or I'd do it in the morning. Showers were either while he slept or I'd put him on the bathroom floor on a changing mat or in his bouncy seat. Food preparation was often done with him in the sling.

By about 6 weeks old he was starting to get into a little routine which made life a lot easier (routines don't suit everyone, but for us a routine was the key to sanity!). He would wake around 7am, so I used to get up at 6:30 and have a shower etc. meaning at least I felt I could face the outside world. Then a nap at 9am which allowed me time to eat breakfast, sort out washing etc.

The thing that's hard to appreciate at the time is that a baby is perfectly fine if left awake by itself for a few minutes - I had a very different approach when I had my 2nd baby, she spent a lot of time lying on her baby gym while I got on with it (a necessity with a 17 month old to deal with at the same time!).

Good luck!

[Sanne Panne]

> The thing that's hard to appreciate at the time is

> that a baby is perfectly fine if left awake by

> itself for a few minutes -

How very true. I also fussed over my baby much more than I had to when she was small but you just can't "let go" until you really feel confident and ready, which I guess means that most of us won't do this until baby 2 arrives.

[Fuschia]

I used to have a shower and get dressed while Mr F was there in the morning... he used to make me a flask of tea and a sandwich before he left.

[sillywoman]

. . .and there may well be days where you sob "please don't go to work" at the front door as he's getting ready to leave. This is normal, life with baby has it's up days, and down days. In my experience this doesn't get talked about much, consequently everyone thinks they've failed somehow, or they're getting PND when it happens to them. As long as it's the occasional day here and there then it's probably just that the massive life change that is a baby is sometimes just too hard to face alone. Reassure other half that it's normal and go easy on yourself - remember that today may well be better than yesterday!

Other top tips. Food: Only plan to make things that can be eaten with one hand. better still get other half to make you something to eat before he goes to work (toast?), AND, something to put in the fridge for your lunch. Get him also to call you before he leaves work to see if he wants you to bring dinner home with him. Often the first thing that goes to pot is your eating timetable, and at this point your body needs all the energy it can get.

[ryedalema]

Likewise Cassie was born on 23 December and my husband goes back next Monday. Unlike you lot though I'm quite looking forward to it. He seems to have an opinion on EVERYTHING! Am I sterilising correctly? Am I holding her correctly while we bf? Am I expressing enough? Is it the right consistency?!!!

Luckily I bought him a 'leatherette' massage chair for his study for Christmas so he now spends most of his time 'tidying his paperwork' (ahem!)

But again likewise I'm rushing around doing everything while she's asleep - cannot seem to kick the adrenalin addiction from having a high pressure job - need to put myself through the same ringer while on leave. If I perform true to last time I'll start obsessing about Nigella receipes, having a complex about seeing the bottom of the laundry bin and picking my husband up from work!! (Crazy!)

With my first I put her in the bathroom while I showered. The steam works really well if they have any collicky tendencies (and doesn't harm them if they don't). It seems much easier second time around - the challenge comes with juggling time between the 2.5 year old who keeps asking 'Mummy what you doing?' and 'What's that?' while I'm expressing, bfing or similar undignified things we have to do.

Sigh - there are some things a youngster just shouldn't have to see - but she's into everything and if I try and hide away she will find me! Always.

[Indiana]

I am a new mum to a 10 week old and was still quite immobile when my husband went back to work after paternity leave..my advice would be to get the fisher price bouncy chair with calm vibrations...my little girl is very happy in it and the vibrations often gently send her off to sleep during the day allowing me to have a relaxing shower, sort out lunch and do all the other things you need to do!

It doesn;t work for everyone but I wouldn;t be without it. I bought it on the forum for about a tenner and she far prefers it to the swanky mamas and papas chair bought by her grandma

Take each day as it comes - don't worry about not getting changed til 2pm (or not at all!) some days.....it gets easier!

Good luck!

[Mellors]

One thing I have always had to do was have a shower and get dressed first thing. I just feel awful if I am not ready for the day, and the 5 mins in the shower makes me human.

The test for me, particularly with with No 2 and a demanding toddler as well, was "will the baby die/anything bad happen to it if I quickly do XYZ?". Normally the answer is no, so I just got on with it. She got quite used to sitting in her bouncy chair/bumbo/cot/baby walker etc etc. No 2 also learn to love TV whilst I was breastfeeding baby etc. Bad Mummy!

You just have to do what you have to do to get through it in a relatively sane manner.

I also think its really, realy important to have a tiny bit of me time for yourself every week - I know its hard and we all feel guilty but the world really won't end if you give the baby to OH and let him deal with it whilst you go round the corner for a cofee and the paper on a Saturday morning. The joy of no nappy bag! I used to swim - 45 mins of utter peace and quiet. Heaven.

[Fuschia]

Read @What Mothers Do@ by Naomi Stadlen and Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland. They will make you feel better about just spending your day holding the baby/ies!

[Belle]

Before we got into any sort of routine ie knowing when baby might sleep, I got into the habit of showering last thing at night so it was one less thing to do in the morning. Now though I do it when he has his nap in the morning - briefly went to just one nap around midday which scuppered that but back to normal service now! I so clearly remember the first few days of my hubbie being back at work , it is daunting as others have said - can you line anything nice up for the first few days eg friends who are able to visit or family? It's nice to kind of smoothe the transition. Also second the vibrating chair vote, I used to leave my baby in the chair when i went to the loo etc - am glad I did as of course now he's mobile there's no way I can go on my own so at least I had a few months of it! Also if someone offers to cook for you accept and freeze it and/or get husband to be in charge of dinner for a while (erm to be honest my husband still cooks 3/4 of the time!). So true about getting decent food in - stuff like pitta and hummous so you don't have to worry about going out for fresh bread etc to get a healthy meal - I remember far too many breakfast of maltesers because they were all I had to hand!

[littleEDfamily]

Panic, panic, panic!

If it's logistically possible, make time to see your old friends (whether they have kids or not). As helpful as the mummy network can be, there's no better friend than an old friend. I also used to (and still do) go into town and lunch/ coffee with hubby and workmates. Helps to stave off ED cabin fever! And so easy while they are still small enough to put in the baby carrier.

I personally agree with Mellors on the need to get showered first thing (although I know some vehemently disagree - I think it's a personality thing - my sister can stay in her PJs all day and still feel good about herself), and even apply a smidgen of make up (my mother brainwashed me about the need for lipstick). At least then you feel like you can (if you feel the need) brave the world without too much prep. Like they say on the aeroplane, in case of an emergency, sort yourself out first - you're better able to sort the young 'un out then! Re: showering, I used to bring the nappy mat into the bathroom and bubs would just observe the proceedings from there.

Did you do NCT? Having people at exactly the same stage you are to talk to is so valuable. If you didn't do the course itself, they do run tea groups and I met some really nice mums that way.

[legalbeagle]

You could think about buying a baby sling - there were some days when my kids simply wouldn't be put down for a second. If you have a sling you can pop them in there and still wash up, make tea, eat something, put the washing on etc etc and baby feels snug and happy. I'm not suggesting you carry them around all day every day, but sometimes it is handy if they just won't be put down.

On the subject of lonliness I would say try to get out of the house once a day if you can manage it. Even if it is just a walk to the shops to get a pint of milk or whatever, or just a walk round the block or a park. Even juet for ten minutes. Dulwich is quite a parent friendly place and I used to find lots of people would smile at my tiny new baby and say hello, or make a little comment. It doesn't sound like much now, but it does help, and the fresh air and new perspective stop you getting cabin fever. I also used to find having Radio 4 (or whatever you like to listen to) on in the background helped, it keeps you in touch with what is going on in the world outside, and when your other half gets home there is more to talk about than "today I changed 6 nappies and fed baby 8 times" which doesn't always make for the most exciting conversation!

Be kind to yourself. Don't expect to achieve as much admin and chores in a day as you used to. Small achievements, one day at a time, and you'll soon have the confidence to do more.

Finally don't allow any visitors unless they bring food, and if anyone offers help, take them at face value and accept it! If your mother in law tuts at the mess and offers to hoover then let her!!

Good luck and try to enjoy it. It goes soooooo quickly!

[Belle]

oh so true about old friends and I go into town too for lunch - to see working friends, which they seem to like as gives them a chance to see the baby and it's great as really breaks up the day.

[Fuschia]

The Magnolia for lunch on a Friday is quite baby friendly, so is the bread of life cafe by the library, cafe at peckham Rye and Dulwich Parks.

Have you got some NCT pals with newborns locally? i second the tea group idea

p rye one o'c club is quite nice

[snowboarder]

I can't remember HOW I managed!! I think I mostly breastfed making sure the tv remote control and phone were close by, and wandered around the house with bubs in a sling (however maybe it was this that has lead to all later independence and sleeping problems!?!). Happily the weather was warmer but getting out was essential (and is even now). In terms of places to go - the nct bumps and babes sessions in Dulwich village and Goose Green are great for really little ones as they're mostly about tea and biscuits being made for you rather than activities for the babies. I did (and still do) make sure I have a shower before my husband leaves, and my minimal housework (washing and occasional hoovering) is all part of entertaining babySB! Good luck!!

[Ann]

MrsC you'll be fine. My husband couldn't really take time off due to his work commitments at the time although his parents stayed for about a fortnight. I was,in a way ,ready to be by myself.

The old work routines of getting up, showering, clothes and make-up are gone for a good while. With hindsight spending time alone with your baby at home is very rewarding; but you must forget your former life, for a while. It's not dead and buried, just put on the back-burner.

You will develop your own routine that suits you and your baby. As others have said there are plenty local meeting places for mothers and babies/toddlers. They'll be there when you're ready for them.

Enjoy your time with your baby; you, your partner and new baby are all that matters for the while. The rest will folow.

[nickyp]

Hi and congratulations!

My baby is now 14 weeks old and I think we're just cracking this baby lark! I was luck and my boyfirend split his paternity into two separate weeks with my mum staying the week in the middle and mum in law for the fourth week. this meant that after four weeks of having someone with me (and plenty of time for new nans to coo over baby) i'd tried all the new firsts with someone to help me - getting on the bus / train, breastfeeding at a cafe, shopping at the supermarket and going to to goose green NCT coffee mornings on Monday. By the time I was facing my first day alone I felt reasonably confident and quite keen to be independent!

The bouncer in the shower room works for us and now baby is older I can actually leave the room for a couple of minutes to make a cup of tea and he doesn't notice as his toys are keeping his attention!

Obviously what happens when he starts moving is another story...

Good luck!

[Pickle]

One of the "benefits" of when they do start to move is that they can follow you around, and instead of worrying about what to do with them while you go to the toilet you get them joining you whether you like it or not. The washing becomes a breeze as they will put the washing machine on for you (just need to train my daughter to put washing in it first!), they answer the phone for you (and depending on who it is, will either put it in the toybox to be found hours later, or flush it down the toilet).

Enjoy the little baby stage while you can!

;-)

[Billy]

Hi - I am a new mum to a 14 week old. I was terrified before my husband went back to work but I actually enjoyed it because it gave me and my baby some peace to start to settle into our own routine (although we are still trying to find it!.

Showers and getting dressed ARE tricky at first. But you find your own way. Until I knew that he would sleep a bit in the morning I used to shower last thing at night. Even now if I delay in the morning, I know he's going to wake up just as I get in! I ate lots of junk food in the day and I am regretting it now so get lots of nice food in so you don't need to think too hard re lunch.

With regards being alone, I think it is hard at the start as most of the mum and baby activities are for bigger babies and I was not ready for any of it at 2 weeks. I am only just getting round to joining things now. But I agree with the above posters that its great to get out the house every day - go for a walk, go into town to see your partner, see NCT buddies etc.

You will be great so don't worry.

[womanofdulwich]

Goodness- I am sure you can stay in your dressing gown and slippers and have a bath/ shower later in the day for the first month ( at least). Don't be so hard on yourself!! This is serious nesting time with horrible weather out there.