dulwichmum

I wasn't drunk, just a bit merry, and nobody was ever in any danger - not really...

Dulwichmum steps from the shadows and catches Ana in an enormous butterfly net and throws her into the back of the Audi Q7...

Dulwichmum emerged from the shadows... Come home with me my child, would I honestly leave you to languish in the snow on Lordship Lane when you could be snug at home in your room over the garage? I have had two children myself (sunroof deliveries at The Portland), I dare say with a pair of marigolds, some boiled water and fluffy Marks and Spencer towels, we can sort something out! You do know that you could be stoned if you return to Lithuania unwed with James' your baby. Let me adopt it in the manner of Angelina Jolie?

Dulwichmum was driving down Lordship Lane in her warm luxurious Audi Q7 choc full of gifts and could not be bothered taking the ungrateful pregnant au pair Ana home by car. The exercise will do her good thought Dulwichmum, that'll teach her for eyeing up my husband...

Lovely Monika, I am sure you are probably right. I love OPI nail colours Shavata brow stencils and accessories and I am rather partial to those pretentious walking shoes of theirs - but I would so hate to be accused of copying anyone else... The staff are always very helpful!

Lovely Sean, I agree, Dr Boo has super helpful staff. I think it is a great resource for East Dulwich. Most of their stock would only otherwise be available in the West End, so it saves me a trip!

OHMYGOD! Primark? How very dare they. The could at least have gotten some nice nude ones from M&S. I would take this as a personal slight, get myself a dangerous dog and notify the local constabulary that there are perverse folk about! PLUM WITH ZIG ZAGS? Really, don't take any chances. This individual is sick.

Had somebody been wearing them or were they new?

I am in Church dear heart, I have my Blackberry with me!

OHMYGOD! Michael - your nose is enormous! Here let me rub this "extreme wrinkle remover all over your skin to soothe your poor face, it looks sore..." "OHMYGOD, this one actually works. You immediately look so very young." http://allysoncliftonphotography.com/images/samples/images/new-babyface.jpg "Now, we shall have less of that filth and inuendo from you young man, or I shall have nanny spank your bottom." "Actually, I shall try some of this myself - here goes..." http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/CLASS/130-034~Shirley-Temple-Posters.jpg

Perfect Michael, Have you considered "StreetAupair"? I would only require her for the school run and three hours between 3 and 6pm... I would need her to be outragously ugly though.

OHMYGOD! Michael is unable to move his mouth and he is dribbling! That cream really is rather effective. He even has one eyebrow higher than the other - rather like Kylie Minogue with stubble... What is he talking about? OHMYGOD - that cream has affected his brain! Into the bin with that pot. How about this one, has the power to plump and expand - now Michael, I shall just wait until you drop off again and I shall smear this on your nose!

Thanks, DM

Trots into quiet room laiden down by great chest of free skin care products from various cosmetics companies. Thinks to self, "I need to try these out before I consider corporate sponsorship"... Spots sleeping Michael in the corner on old lime green acrylic velvet armchair... Opens big pot of "Botox substitute." Removes trowel type applicator from pack and smears preparation across Mr Popadopalots face - in the manner of buttering bread.

Dear Clare, What does ALD stand for? I thought it was Alcoholic Liver Disease. I live next door to a consultant from the Liver Unit in Kings, and he is under the same impression.

Exactly!

Exactly my point. I don't want a man who loves the mirror more than me!

Perfect friend Annasfield, I am so glad you "get" the whole blokey thing. David Beckham is just too sterile and girley. I like my men to drag their knuckles on the ground when they walk... Lovely Mr Keef, I am sure you understand?

I am sorry, David Beckham is simply not very manly. This is a real man... don't you just love Ray Winstone? http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1105000/images/_1107678_beast_300.jpg

*Wakes up to find Lozzyloz with Bendicks Bittermint stuck to the sole of her shoe.* *Rummages in capacious handbag to find pack of babywipes - passes one to Lozzyloz* *Notices reflection of self in window and thinks to self "I look remarkably like Liz Hurley for a retired brickie from Penge in his 60's!"

Lovely LozzyLoz, I am svelte for 40 dear heart - much more Liz Hurley I think!

I am inclined to agree with ????, it was Blue Mountain (with their home made chocolate eclairs on a Thursday), The Thai Corner Cafe and Grace and Favour. Before Blue Mountain, there was really only Le Chardon and Springers, Walshes the Glaziers, 7-11, The Old Palmerston and some tumbleweed. The curry houses of choice were Mirash, Eastern Eye or Surma. The area around Lordship Lane has been very middle class for quite a while. The late 90's saw an influx of young professional families. I even remember the first "it" pram. It was a Landrover 3 wheeler. The don't make them anymore - bless!

Ah Michael, you look so cute sitting under the Christmas tree! http://www.notjustballoons.co.uk/acatalog/rag_doll_boy.jpg

Flips cover on arm rest to reveal large red button. Presses red button with perfectly manicured finger. Laughs to self as Michael is dispensed a pair of roasted nuts... http://www.dogsinthenews.com/issues/0111/pictures/cartoon_explosion.jpg

Leans over and offers Brendan a dry roasted nut...