Dont'beat your self up about vaginal/caesarian. Both have advantages and disadvantages. You have not done anything wrong in having a caesarian and you are an equal mother to any other. You have the privelidge of having a baby inside you and have already had one.One birth is not of more value than the other. You just cannot afford to look back you just have to go with what you have. I think a lot of how you are feeling is related to the shock of having a baby- no matter how planned- and it seems strssful and traumatic- but all births are like this first time- if you are in a safe place and have partner/ freind with you for whom this is not the first time this will be far better than last time, really. I think a private midwife is closer to ?2k, and you can buy a lot of help for this- like a maternity nurse which might be more helpful to you and your family. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx