a joke

[KalamityKel]

;-)

courtesy of my inbox B)

[boosboss]

This was the guy who tried to pay a bill with a drawing of a spider. Remember him?

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen

[TillieTrotter]

>:D

[Marmora Man]

Good to see the joke thread resurrected. It's been dormant for more than two weeks. No one feels like joking?

[skidmarks]

That David Thorne above has his own websites. These are my favourites

http://www.27bslash6.com/matthewsparty.html

http://www.27bslash6.com/buffed.html

http://www.27bslash6.com/hatemail.html

Try and find the magic eight ball as well for a good laugh

[JetSetWilly]

whats george michaels favourite time of day? ate a cock.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

David Thorne website just made my week many thanks for that

[Keef]

Mn stands naked in front of the mirror, with an erection.

"Why do I always get a hard on when I look in the mirror?" he asks his wife.

She barely looks away from her book as she replies "because even your knob thinks you're a c**t">

Sorry :-$

[KalamityKel]

::o

[Horsebox]

The BNP further highlighted their stupidity and ignorance last week by flyering a group of Jamaican men in Brixton.

They were trying to attract the vote of the Rasta Far Right.

___________________________________________________________

Nick Griffin was very upset that the eggs thrown at him outside Westminster still contained their yolks - he only likes the whites.

[boosboss]

Paddy says to Mick "Can you help me with this jigsaw?" "It's meant to be a tiger."

Mick replies "Put the frosties back in the box you idiot!"

[Mogs]

Paddy was unemployed and had few qualifications, so he decided to apply for a job on a local building site.

The foreman wasn't too sure about Paddy's experience, so he decided to ask him a simple test question:

?What is the difference between a girder and joist??

?That's easy,? replied Paddy, ?Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses!?

[Marmora Man]

Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school. In one class they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy'.

No, said Gordon - that would be an accident'.

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'.

I'm afraid not,? explained Gordon, ?that's what we would call great loss?.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Gordon searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'.

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said 'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Darling was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy'.

Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'.

Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either'.

[Huguenot]

Ha!

[Narnia]

Money

It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season

is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business

happening. Everyone is heavily in debt. Luckily, a rich Russian tourist

arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts

a 100 euro note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect

the room located up the stairs on the third floor.

The hotel owner takes the banknote in hurry and rushes to his meat

supplier to whom he owes 100 euro.

The butcher takes the money and races to his wholesale supplier to pay his

debt.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay 100 euro for pigs he purchased some

time ago.

The farmer triumphantly gives the 100 euro note to a local prostitute who gave

him her services on credit.

The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her

hourly room use to entertain clients.

At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs

the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his

100 euro back and departs.

There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the

small town people look optimistically towards their future.

COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO THE Global Financial Crisis? Or, is there a

catch here?

[gallinello]

This I like! More thought-provoking than rib-tickling; could it work on a global level?

[Huguenot]

Well it's not strictly valid, as all of these were not only debtors, but also creditors. It's a perception trick.

In isolation, each of these not only owed 100 euros but were due 100 euros, so their 'current account' was net zero euros.

As a consequence of this round robin, none of them were in any different position: their account is still zero euros. A little less stressed because the credit was realised perhaps, but no better off.

We're confusing 'money' with trade - money is only a transaction facilitator. The real business is the exchange of goods and services. For one individual here, a good shag had an equivalent value to half a tonne of pork: but the hooker didn't need meat (or maybe she did if you know what I mean) so the barter wouldn't work.

The money concept meant that she could barter that shag 'value' for things she did want - such as a hotel room.

So in effect, this tale reminds us how bloody important money is.

Instability in the modern world is introduced because money is used to generate money -an intangible asset that has an imaginary value.

The original barter is lost in the fog of the banking world - but in execution 10 minutes of your time in the office is worth a 'fraction' of all the people involved in the process of baking a loaf. Hence you buy it.

[Ted Max]

Routine needs a bit of work before you take it to Edinburgh, Hugey, but I think the bare bones are there. Maybe add some amusing visual aids. Perhaps even build in a bit of "improv" - get people to shout out suggestions for items to barter.

It'll need a bit of word of mouth but you should do well. Try an Aussie or Irish accent as well - if you want to cover all the bases.

[Marmora Man]

Nominated as the world's ?best short joke ?of the year. ?

A ?3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mum', he ?asked, 'Are these ?my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.??

?

?

[Marmora Man]

h

[????]

Damn, just missed "1000"

[Marmora Man]

One reason why Mummy won't let him be King

[bigbadwolf]

Oh come on MM you can't blame him. He's only sizing up the troops.

[bigbadwolf]

She looks like she's indulging his inspections as well. I bet you're just jealous aren't you MM.....I mean I bet you didn't come across a pair of homing beacons like that in the Submarine corps did you.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either