a joke

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

This made me laugh!

Kingston Lawyer and the Portland Police

A lawyer runs a stop sign in Portland and gets pulled over by the Police. He thinks that he is smarter than the police because he is a lawyer from Kingston and is certain that he has a better education than any Jamaican Police. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Police expense. The Police says," Yuh License an yuh registration, please." "What for?" says the lawyer. The Police says, "Yuh didn't come to a complete stop at de stop sign." Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." "Yuh neva did come to a complete stop, Says the Police. License an registration, please." The lawyer says, "What's the difference?" "De difference is dat yuh hav fe come to ah complete stop - dat's de law. License an registration, please!" the Police says. Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." That sounds fair. "Get yuh rass outa de vehicle, sar", the Police says. At this point, the Police drape up de man, pull out his batton and starts beating the lawyer all over his body and asks, "Yuh waan me fe stop, or just slow down?"

[mockney piers]

A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of David Beckahm, the zoo's primary sponsor and well known idiot and sexual deviant.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Becks was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for ?50,000? David showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First", David said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he squeaked, "Ya can never tell Victoria about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Golden Balls went on, "I want little Whipsenade raised as a Man Utd fan." Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Beckham stated, "I've only got credit cards, can I pay you the ?50,000 tomorrow"

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

Haha Mockney that's class!

[templeton]

There's an Eight and a Zero stood next to each other, and the Zero says to the Eight "How come you've got your belt done up so tightly then?".

[Mark]

A man is shipwrecked and is the only survivor. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is purple. He can't believe it. The sky is purple. He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He`s shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple, too. "Oh no!!" he says, "I think I`ve been marooned!!"

[Mogs]

Mark Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> A man is shipwrecked and is the only survivor.

> When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is

> purple. He can't believe it. The sky is purple. He

> walks around a bit and sees that there is purple

> grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple

> trees. He`s shocked when he finds that his skin is

> starting to turn purple, too. "Oh no!!" he says,

> "I think I`ve been marooned!!"

I've told this joke to our finance team in our office and they laughed and laughed

[barrymarshall]

I couldn't resist this. Not a joke per se, but doing the rounds in banks and journos' inboxes today:

FRENCH TRADER WAS FORCED TO WORK 30 HOURS A WEEK

FRIENDS of rogue trader Jerome Kerviel last night blamed his $7 billion losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30 hour week.

Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning and still be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often with just an hour and a half for lunch.

One colleague said: "He was, how you say, une workaholique. I have a family and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the latest, if I wasn't on strike.

"But Jerome was tied to that desk. One day I came back to the office at 3pm because I had forgotten my stupid little hat, and there he was, fast asleep on the photocopier.

"At first I assumed he had been having sex with it, but then I remembered he'd been working for almost six hours."

As the losses mounted, Kerviel tried to conceal his bad trades by covering them with an intense red wine sauce, later switching to delicate pastry horns.

At one point he managed to dispose of dozens of transactions by hiding them inside vol-au-vent cases and staging a fake reception.

Last night a spokesman for S?c??t? G?n?r?l? denied that Kerviel was overworked, insisting he lost the money after betting that the French were about to stop being rude, lazy, arrogant bastards.

[Brendan]

It's from the Daily Mash that.

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/

[barrymarshall]

Edited - duplicate post

[barrymarshall]

Ah - I didn't check - everyone's had it here!

[Mark]

not really a joke but it made me laugh:

[edited once]

[david_carnell]

:-S

Am I just being very dense?

Edit...Yes, I am. Ignore me.

[Jah Lush]

Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.

My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred...then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.

Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be.

He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiance what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Lucky Louie.

[spadetownboy]

whats the difference between a womans ass and a 9 volt battery.

you know you shouldn,t but sooner or later you,re gonna lick them.

[KalamityKel]

:))

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

Another one from my Jamaican Jokes app on Facebook - not as funny as spadetownboy's but made me chuckle cos I've driven all round Jamaica:

Driving In Kingston

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN KINGSTON 1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Kingston driver never uses them. 2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to scare people for a laugh.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in Kingston.

9. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Kingston driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Kingston is the home of the high-speed 'dally' , thanks to the KSAC, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

12. It is traditional in Kingston to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every Kingston driver is to get there first --by whatever means necessary.

[KalamityKel]

Harsh things a woman can say to a naked bloke...

"Wow... and ur feet are so big!"

"I guess this makes me the early bird!"

"Buts it still works - right?"

"Are u cold?"

"Mayb if we water it, it'll grow"

"Why don't we just cuddle?"

"U know they have surgery to fix that"

"Why is God punishing me?"

"I never saw one like that before"

"Mayb it looks better in natural light?"

[KalamityKel]

What's the difference between single women and married women? **pay attention here!!**

Single women go home, see what's in the fridge then go to bed.

Married women go home, see what's in the bed then go to the fridge!

[bagpuss78]

A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the bonnet.

"Leave it with me," says the mechanic. "Come back in 20 minutes."

So, off goes the penguin. It's a pretty hot day, and he's a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren't very good at eating ice creams ? the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little sticky, he goes back to the garage.

"Oh, hello," says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.

"Hello," replies the penguin. "Was it anything serious?"

"Not really, but it looks like you've blown a seal."

"Oh no, no, no!" says the penguin, wiping his mouth. "It's just ice cream." ::o

[KalamityKel]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to

take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading a book," she replies,

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again,

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[andycam]

This is a very wrong joke.

What's pink and stiff and makes women scream in the morning?

A cot death.

[Rolo Tomasi]

Your right andycam, that is a very wrong joke.

[andycam]

I appologise. I was told it yesterday and thought it was shocking. anyone got anything darker?

[East Dulwich Angst]

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with . . .

. . . the other is used to carry groceries.

[East Dulwich Angst]

I walked past a cemetery earlier.

I saw 4 men carrying a coffin.

3 Hours later I saw the same 4 men with the same coffin.

I thought to myself. . .

they've lost the f*cking plot!