Jump to content

Recommended Posts

How have I missed this gem? Hysterical upon reading her reply to our new, enlightened poster, I noted her link to a website full of delightful musings. Marvellous!


Dear lady, I simply must have you around for dinner. My guest would be mesmerised by your anecdotes - we love nothing more than new money, as most of us have nothing left but worn pedigree to guarantee our credit.


What a delightful half hour you have provided this old soul!

You've fallen in love with her haven't you Maurice.


Don't worry, it's happened to all of us.


I remember when she cast her spell on me like it was yesterday...........


Me, Quids and Marmora Man were playing hoopla on the outer lawn of the EDF mansion whilst David Carnell was preparing some Pimms. Halfway through the game I thought I heard someone calling my name, "Quids, did you hear that?" "hear what" , "I thought I heard someone calling me by my name" , "MM, did you hear it" , "No I didn't, stop messing about...it's your go". We carried on playing and then I heard it very clearly. It's seductive invite lilted across the garden and infected my soul with a craving to seek out it's origin, I felt like a sailor trapped in fog being called ever closer to the rocks by the sirens. It was getting clearer now but for some reason the others couldn't hear it. A brisk wind rustled the leaves and thunder clouds gathered on the horizon. I couldn't fight the calling any longer.


"I.....I.....I'm just nipping indoors for a bit.....carry on without me."


As I crossed the lawn and entered the house my summons was growing much louder. I followed it around the house until I stumbled across a door I'd never seen before. I pushed open the door and entered a room fit for Aphrodite herself. The room was oppulance itself. A ferero Roche Pyramid on a silver table a wardrobe that would cause Harvey Nichols to weep and all her minions to do her bidding. Michael P was wearing a waistcoat, Fez and walked around crashing a pair of symbols together whilst Brum recited a shopping list that would bankrupt the Sultan of Brunei in a heartbeat. She'd also had Mikecg frozen in Carbonite like Han Solo in Starwars.


"Are you the one they call bigbadwolf."


I stiffened and everything and everybody fell silent.


"Well.....are you?"


I couldn't see her but I could make out a shadow behind a screen and I could feel her gaze upon my mortal flesh.


"Yes.....It is I"


"Good.....come closer"


I approached the screen but just as I was about to lay eyes on her a cloud of glittering dust billowed from under the screen and engulfed me.


"Listen carefully Mr Wolf, I want you to do something for me"


"Anything Priestess"


"I want you to go to Somerfield and buy me a copy of County life, Grazia, Racing Post, 40 B+H and a bottle of Gordons, understand?"


"Right away your highness"


All of a sudden I heard a crashing noise and spun around as Marmora Man, Quids and David Carnell came swooping through the window to rescue me. They scooped me up and carried me away whilst I could hear her shrieking that she'd get even one day.


I still remember her perfume though.

My dear Mr Maurice,


Whatever do you mean "new money"? I'll have you know that there has been stacks of cash in my husband's family for generations (bats eyelashes). I find your insinuations most alarming.


And as for you Mr Wolf,


How quickly you forget! May I remind you that I smoke roll ups or a pipe and it was in fact a pack orange Rizzla papers that I requested, along with some Kendal Dark Shag.

Oh my dear lady, please do not take offence. I adore you. My family has a long history of inclusiveness of actresses and performers, who always made our dinner events far more enjoyable. And you are absolutely correct: when is 'new money' not 'new' anymore anyway?


So when would you be available for an evening dinner event?

Darling Mr Maurice,


How very kind of you to invite me (runs perfectly manicured hand through glossy mane). However, I am a very busy and influencial member of local society, NOT a performing sea lion!


I am busy with some difficult plastic guttering at the moment, and after that I dare say that I may be confined to my bed with heat stroke. This weather is simply not ideal for those of us in the building trades.

Sweet Jah Lush,


I'll have you know that I have the perfect and unblemished skin of a 19 year old... I shall have it stretched and displayed on a canvass very soon - that minx was making sheeps eyes at my darling man.


Does anyone know a good au pair at a lose end? I do NOT consider hot pink acrylic hotpants and a white halter neck bikini top to be appropriate work attire...

Not to worry DM.


Don't fret.


I'll look after your Poppets.


Oh I just know that me and your progeny will get along swell and have soooooo much fun. I'll be at your door at 7 a.m sharp to get them fed, dressed and ready for school. While they're at school I'll play house and tend to the gardens and prepare a wholesome meal ready on the table for you and your dearests return. In fact you'll never know I'm there.


I wont need paying just the occasional 'favour' now and again.

Oh dear me. I seem to keep saying the wrong thing when I really do adore you dear lady and so want you to come over for dinner. I, of course, do not think of you as some performing Sea Lion. Quite the contrary.


Not so many years ago, when my family still had money worth marrying into, we had a parade of young suiters like yourself who came to dinner and were simply glorious. I never chose to see them as anything more than truly in love with my kin, full of promise and perfectly capable of mastering social graces.


So understand that I see you for who you are, not as some performing sea lion. So please accept my apology if you were off put and do reconsider my invitation.

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Latest Discussions

    • Per Cllr McAsh, as quoted above: “We are currently updating our Enforcement Policy and changes will allow for the issuing of civil penalties ranging from £175 to £300 for visible smoke emissions, replacing the previous reliance on criminal prosecution. " Is anyone au fait with the Clean Air Act 1993, and  particularly with the state of 'Smoke Control' law and practice generally?  I've just been looking  through some of it for the first time and, afaics, the civil penalties mentioned  were introduced into the Clean Air Act, at Schedule 1A, in May 2022.  So it seems that, in this particular,  it's a matter of the enforcement policy trailing well behind the legislation.  I'm not criticising that at all, but am curious.  
    • Here's the part of march46's linked-to Southwark News article pertaining to Southwark Council. "Southwark Council were also contacted for a response. "Councillor James McAsh, Cabinet Member for Clean Air, Streets & Waste said: “One of Southwark’s key priorities is to create a healthy environment for our residents. “To achieve this we closely monitor legislation and measures that influence air pollution – our entire borough apart from inland waterways is designated as a Smoke Control Area, and we also offer substantial provision for electric vehicles to promote alternative fuel travel options and our Streets for People strategy. “We as a council support the work of Mums for Lungs and recognise the health and environmental impacts of domestic solid fuel burning, particularly from wood-burning appliances. “We are currently updating our Enforcement Policy and changes will allow for the issuing of civil penalties ranging from £175 to £300 for visible smoke emissions, replacing the previous reliance on criminal prosecution.  “This work is being undertaken in collaboration with other London boroughs as part of the pan-London Wood Burning Project, which aims to harmonise enforcement approaches and share best practice across the capital.” ETA: And here's a post I made a few years ago, with tangential relevance.  https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/278140-early-morning-drone-flying/?do=findComment&comment=1493274  
    • The solicitor is also the Executor. Big mistake, but my Aunt was very old, and this was the Covid years and shortly after so impossible to intervene and get a couple of close relatives to do this.  She had no children so this is the nephews and nieces. He is a single practitioner, and most at his age would have long since retired - there is a question over his competence Two letters have already gone essentially complaining - batted off and 'amusingly' one put the blame on us. There are five on our side, all speaking to each other, and ideally would work as a single point of contact.  But he has said that this is not allowed - we've all given approval to act on each others behalf. There are five on her late husband's side, who have not engaged with us despite the suggestion to work as a team, There is one other, who get's the lion's share, the typicical 'friend', but we are long since challenging the will. I would like to put another complaint together that he has not used modern collective communication (I expect that he is incapable) which had seriously delayed the execution of the will.   I know many in their 80s very adept with smart phones so that is not an ageist comment. The house has deteriorated very badly, with cold, damp and a serious leak.  PM me if you want to see the dreadful condition that it is now in. I would also question why if the five of us are happy to work together why all of us need to confirm in writing.             The house was lived in until Feb 23, and has been allowed to get like this.
    • Isn’t a five yearly electricity safety certificate one of the things the landlord must give for a legal tenancy?
Home
Events
Sign In

Sign In



Or sign in with one of these services

Search
×
    Search In
×
×
  • Create New...