I have only just discovered Dulwichmum!

[Maurice]

How have I missed this gem? Hysterical upon reading her reply to our new, enlightened poster, I noted her link to a website full of delightful musings. Marvellous!

Dear lady, I simply must have you around for dinner. My guest would be mesmerised by your anecdotes - we love nothing more than new money, as most of us have nothing left but worn pedigree to guarantee our credit.

What a delightful half hour you have provided this old soul!

[????]

Do you need your roof fixing? - he'll do it for cash

[Sandperson]

And slap your kids for nothing!

[Maurice]

She has the seal of approval from The Telegraph, no less! I must pay closer attention beyond the Business pages.

[bigbadwolf]

You've fallen in love with her haven't you Maurice.

Don't worry, it's happened to all of us.

I remember when she cast her spell on me like it was yesterday...........

Me, Quids and Marmora Man were playing hoopla on the outer lawn of the EDF mansion whilst David Carnell was preparing some Pimms. Halfway through the game I thought I heard someone calling my name, "Quids, did you hear that?" "hear what" , "I thought I heard someone calling me by my name" , "MM, did you hear it" , "No I didn't, stop messing about...it's your go". We carried on playing and then I heard it very clearly. It's seductive invite lilted across the garden and infected my soul with a craving to seek out it's origin, I felt like a sailor trapped in fog being called ever closer to the rocks by the sirens. It was getting clearer now but for some reason the others couldn't hear it. A brisk wind rustled the leaves and thunder clouds gathered on the horizon. I couldn't fight the calling any longer.

"I.....I.....I'm just nipping indoors for a bit.....carry on without me."

As I crossed the lawn and entered the house my summons was growing much louder. I followed it around the house until I stumbled across a door I'd never seen before. I pushed open the door and entered a room fit for Aphrodite herself. The room was oppulance itself. A ferero Roche Pyramid on a silver table a wardrobe that would cause Harvey Nichols to weep and all her minions to do her bidding. Michael P was wearing a waistcoat, Fez and walked around crashing a pair of symbols together whilst Brum recited a shopping list that would bankrupt the Sultan of Brunei in a heartbeat. She'd also had Mikecg frozen in Carbonite like Han Solo in Starwars.

"Are you the one they call bigbadwolf."

I stiffened and everything and everybody fell silent.

"Well.....are you?"

I couldn't see her but I could make out a shadow behind a screen and I could feel her gaze upon my mortal flesh.

"Yes.....It is I"

"Good.....come closer"

I approached the screen but just as I was about to lay eyes on her a cloud of glittering dust billowed from under the screen and engulfed me.

"Listen carefully Mr Wolf, I want you to do something for me"

"Anything Priestess"

"I want you to go to Somerfield and buy me a copy of County life, Grazia, Racing Post, 40 B+H and a bottle of Gordons, understand?"

"Right away your highness"

All of a sudden I heard a crashing noise and spun around as Marmora Man, Quids and David Carnell came swooping through the window to rescue me. They scooped me up and carried me away whilst I could hear her shrieking that she'd get even one day.

I still remember her perfume though.

[????]

Wake up BBW It's your turn

[Keef]

Oh BBW, you were so naive. I remember the days when, given a bottle of chablis, she was anyone's.

[dulwichmum]

My dear Mr Maurice,

Whatever do you mean "new money"? I'll have you know that there has been stacks of cash in my husband's family for generations (bats eyelashes). I find your insinuations most alarming.

And as for you Mr Wolf,

How quickly you forget! May I remind you that I smoke roll ups or a pipe and it was in fact a pack orange Rizzla papers that I requested, along with some Kendal Dark Shag.

[KalamityKel]

*gently wipes DMs brow*

[Jah Lush]

She's a brickie from Penge Maurice.

[dulwichmum]

*Smiles lovingly at Kalam*

"Where is Michael, please someone, where is Mr Paleoglogusoleliticualus?"

*Faints*

[bigbadwolf]

MICHAEL!!! Bring the salts, she's fallen over again.

[KalamityKel]

Salts? Maybe something stronger?

[dulwichmum]

*GIN*

(less calorific than Chablis and I must look after my ...er... health)

[vinceayre]

I can see the Telegraph headline already:

"Dulwichmum prefers Dark Shag"

If that doesn't knock Jacko of the front page nothing will!

Vince

[Maurice]

Oh my dear lady, please do not take offence. I adore you. My family has a long history of inclusiveness of actresses and performers, who always made our dinner events far more enjoyable. And you are absolutely correct: when is 'new money' not 'new' anymore anyway?

So when would you be available for an evening dinner event?

[dulwichmum]

Darling Mr Maurice,

How very kind of you to invite me (runs perfectly manicured hand through glossy mane). However, I am a very busy and influencial member of local society, NOT a performing sea lion!

I am busy with some difficult plastic guttering at the moment, and after that I dare say that I may be confined to my bed with heat stroke. This weather is simply not ideal for those of us in the building trades.

[Jah Lush]

Laying bricks must play havoc with your fingernails Dulwich Mum and I really do sympathise but there are other benefits to the trowel as it must come in very handy at times when you want apply your makeup.

[dulwichmum]

Sweet Jah Lush,

I'll have you know that I have the perfect and unblemished skin of a 19 year old... I shall have it stretched and displayed on a canvass very soon - that minx was making sheeps eyes at my darling man.

Does anyone know a good au pair at a lose end? I do NOT consider hot pink acrylic hotpants and a white halter neck bikini top to be appropriate work attire...

[Michael Palaeologus]

I still have that back-copy of Razzle, so dont try it on with me young (::o) lady.

Remember, wherever you are Batdog is watching.

[bigbadwolf]

Not to worry DM.

Don't fret.

I'll look after your Poppets.

Oh I just know that me and your progeny will get along swell and have soooooo much fun. I'll be at your door at 7 a.m sharp to get them fed, dressed and ready for school. While they're at school I'll play house and tend to the gardens and prepare a wholesome meal ready on the table for you and your dearests return. In fact you'll never know I'm there.

I wont need paying just the occasional 'favour' now and again.

[Michael Palaeologus]

.. and he will huff and puff and you know the rest ....

[Maurice]

Oh dear me. I seem to keep saying the wrong thing when I really do adore you dear lady and so want you to come over for dinner. I, of course, do not think of you as some performing Sea Lion. Quite the contrary.

Not so many years ago, when my family still had money worth marrying into, we had a parade of young suiters like yourself who came to dinner and were simply glorious. I never chose to see them as anything more than truly in love with my kin, full of promise and perfectly capable of mastering social graces.

So understand that I see you for who you are, not as some performing sea lion. So please accept my apology if you were off put and do reconsider my invitation.

[Jah Lush]

From Sea Lion to Debutante. I think you'll find that lady is spoken for.

[bigbadwolf]

Get your tongue out of her arse Maurice!