Top Tips

[waynetta]

East Dulwich Forum users. Save yourself a lot of time and money by simply ringing a public call box and waiting for some sad b8stard to walk by with noting better to do than answer it.

[waynetta]

Promise to ring people at specific times, and then don't. They'll ring you to see what's wrong ,at which point you can have your original planned conversation at their expense.

[daizie]

Jehovah's Witnesses. Bring some pegs and tea towels with you next time. Give the customer some choice

[waynetta]

Men. Avoid endless arguments with your wife about leaving the toilet seat down by simply p1ssing in the sink.

[waynetta]

Save pounds at Christmas by not sending cards or presents to elderly relatives whose marbles have probably gone anyway and who wouldn't know you from Adam.

[daizie]

CYCLISTS: Add credibility to your claim that you have the right to use the road by obeying traffic lights and one way systems

[waynetta]

Paedophiles. Confuse the police during questioning by making suggestive remarks about old ladies.

[daizie]

Watch out for Suggs walking up your drive. It's the first sign of Madness

[jalapeno]

If you have an alramingly large void in your brain that no trick in the book could cure but reduced to resorting to exceedingly desperate measures to overcome this element, do your self a favour, banish yourself to hell by setting yourself on fire.

[waynetta]

Make sure she's still a stunner the next morning by hiding a bottle of vodka under your pillow, and drinking it before she wakes. Hey presto ! Breakfast with Cindy Crawford.

[waynetta]

Phew....think I'd better take a break now and give everyone a rest. :)

[jalapeno]

Heavy consumption of alcohol WILL be needed to spend an evening with a Heffalump. Certainly not with Cindy Crawford!

[daizie]

Don't waste money on expensive flip-flops. Leave athletes foot untreated for a protective layer of hardened skin

[waynetta]

Sod it...oen more for the road: :))

Cigarettes are a much cheaper and more widely available alternative to nicotine patches.

[daizie]

Convince neighbours you have a day job by leaving the house at 8am and returning at 6pm mon to fri.

[jalapeno]

If you don't have the balls to take the bull by the horns, have a cavalry as back-up.

[waynetta]

(?)(!)

[waynetta]

Pop a few tea-bags into your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by simply turning on the hot tap.

[Easties EL]

If your going to hold your fart in, wait for a breeze to come by and then let it rip.

[omniprescient]

Create your own 2p pieces by supergluing 2 1p pieces together

[DulwichFox]

Help save water.

Dilute it

[daizie]

BUS DRIVERS. Let everyone see how pig ugly your girlfriend is by letting her stand next to whilst you are driving, as if she owns the bus

[waynetta]

Farmers. Rid your land of 'New Age Traveller's by burning down the village Post Office. If they can't cash their giros, they'll soon move on.

[jalapeno]

BUS DRIVERS:Disallow any mediocre passengers to come on board. Either give them the swerve or simply run them over - One less numbskull to worry about.

[Ladymuck]

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