waynetta
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Everything posted by waynetta
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Every time I look at the title of this thread I think it's a new rant started by Tarot about immigration or something.
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READ small print easily and without the use of expensive glasses by looking at it through a pint glass full of water.
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MOTORISTS. Park for free in any city centre by smashing the windows, pulling out the car stereo and attaching a 'Police Aware' sticker to the front windscreen of your car. Long term parkers may wish to burn their vehicles out for greater effect.
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GIVE your house that 'City centre car park' feel by putting 'P' and 'NO SPACES' signs on the front door, and inviting tramps to urinate down your stairs.
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Do they have ventriloquists? They're my favourites. People bang on about Roger DeCourcey and Keith Harris, but my favourite is Stephen Hawkings. I saw him on telly recently blathering on about the universe and galaxies for hours and I didn't see his lips move once. Genius.
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Maybe there's a good reason for not calling them. Like they don't have a phone. Or he doesn't have a phone. Or he's forgot their number. Or his phone is set up to only receive incoming calls. Or they're deaf. Or they don't have any limbs so they can't pick up the receiver.
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ah...that's nice. It made me think about my parents.
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Oh...I thought you said they were hilarious. Were you just being sarky NickNack? Don't worry. No more top tips on this sacrosanct golfing thread.
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CONFUSE shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.
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UTILITY companies. Encourage customers to go to 'paperless billing' and online account management to help the environment. It has the added benefit of renering them helpless when you overcharge them as they have no bills to check through and your computer can mysteriously 'freeze their on-line account'. It makes it almost impossible for them to prove you are a bunch of robbing baastards.
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WELL-TO-DO middle and upper class people. Avoid the feelings of guilt due to your privileged lifestyle by going to church regularly and prescribing to a doctrine based upon one or other interpretation of certain parts of the bible. Simply re-interpret - or completely ignore - any parts of the bible which are incompatible with your own lifestyle of greed and affluence.
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Especially the Muslim ones
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As it happens I do MacMick GOLFERS. An ice cream cornet makes an ideal golf tee for use in emergencies
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GOLFERS Why waste a fortune on expensive covers for the heads of your golf clubs? An empty crisp packet will do the job just as well. Use different flavours for different clubs, e.g cheese'n' onion-three iron, salt'n'vinegar- sand wedge etc.
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DROP a table tennis ball into public urinals and invite other toilet users to play 'p1ss tennis' by directing the ball backwards and forwards along the urinal with your wee.
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SMALL dog owners. Too lazy to take the little fellow out for a walk? Simply place him on a record player turntable and tie his lead to the arm. Set it away at 33 rpm for a gentle stroll, 45 rpm for a good walk and 78 rpm for a jog.
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Consultation with patients. (Halal food served unlabelled)
waynetta replied to Tarot's topic in The Lounge
IN hot weather attach a length of string to a homing pigeon's leg and tie the other end to your ceiling rose. The bird will try to fly home, but instead will simply circle the room, creating a cooling breeze with it's constantly flapping wings. Place breadcrumbs and water on a stepladder in the middle of the room so that it can stop ocassionally for some rest and refreshment. Sorry. I just thought I'd make this thread even more surreal. -
I earned my degree from the school of hard knocks and it ain't an honourary one
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Save money on batteries by making your own novel doorbell. Simply thread some empty beer cans on a piece of string and hang them from the front door. Visitors can rattle them to attract your attention.
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Consultation with patients. (Halal food served unlabelled)
waynetta replied to Tarot's topic in The Lounge
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle. -
Consultation with patients. (Halal food served unlabelled)
waynetta replied to Tarot's topic in The Lounge
Is that a dig at me RosieH? I hope not as I always enjoy your posts and you seem a nice person. :( -
Consultation with patients. (Halal food served unlabelled)
waynetta replied to Tarot's topic in The Lounge
Another silly tiff on the forum. Gordon Bennett it's like a school playground with you lot. -
ASK your barber to save your hair clippings. In later life these can be made into a stylish wig and will match your remaining hair perfectly.
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A TUB of margarine, sent via InterFlora, is the perfect romantic gift for a girl who likes making sandwiches.
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Save on laundry bills by getting your kids to keep their clothes on next time they have a bath.and get them to play with your dirty dishes instead of the usual bath toys.