waynetta

A simple plant pot, upturned on the top of your head, is ideal for doing comedy impressions of the late Tommy Cooper. Just like that!

Convince your neighbours that you are getting lots of sex by jumping up and down on your bed and screaming at the top of your voice every night.

I have a lesbian in it....oh sorry , wrong thread

Starting a new relationship? Lend your partner ?20. That way when you get dumped you can at least soften the blow by getting your money back.

Whenever I hear 'three times a lady' I always think of cloning. Was Lionel Ritchie ahead of his time?

Fellas. Make your wife cry during sex by phoning her whilst having it.

Sorry didn't realize you were the guardian of morals and ethics on this forum.

There were fireworks round my place last night with the hot stud I met down the pub.;-)

Shouldnt a remark like that be in the ' that is mean' thread?

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Avoid being clamped when parking illegally by simply removing all the wheels from your car and locking them in the boot. Put them back on when you return.

Well...I suppose I could do this one, as there is absolutely no chance whatsoever that it will happen to them down there. If being pursued by a rogue Rhinoceros, run in a straight line directly away from the animal. Just before he catches you, dart quickly to one side or the other. Unable to stop or change direction, the bulky animal's momentum will carry him a good distance away, enabling you to run up a tree and call for help. I wrote that through my tears and it's dedicated to those poor men.

A special Top Tip for ???? : Enjoy drinking but on the wagon? Instead of drinking beer simply gargle it then spit it back into your glass. That way you can make one pint last all evening.

I can't even bring myself to do anymore Top Tips on this subject. That's how emotional I feel about it.

Use only economy packs of toilet roll instead of 'luxury' tissue. You'll find that your fingers invariably go through both. But the money you save buying cheaper paper can then be spent on a bar of soap to clean them with.

Maybe someone should have pointed out to the flasher in the other thread that his kock was showing. Would that qualify as a good deed?

Scotch Perverts. Attach your kilt to your belt with curtain rings. You can then expose yourself quickly and effortlessly by simply drawing your kilt to and fro. A simple draw mechanism, available from all curtain shops, can be added later if required.

I saw a man who was in some pain sitting on the floor in a supermarker car park today so I asked him if was ok and if he needed help. He said he was in a lot of pain so I asked what sort of pain. He told me he was suffering from anal fissures and had been told by his doctor to just sit down and relax when the pain got bad. A bit too much information I thought so I acknowledged this and quickly hurried on my way, not helping him at all. :( I always like to perform one good deed or random act of kindness a day so I'm up for suggestions for one, preferably not involving anything gross.

Apparently one of the miners is a love cheat and his wife is going to dump him when he is rescued!

Hope so Jeremy

I normally don't take too much seriously in life if I can help it, but this story has really moved me. I cried when I saw those men singing the national anthem in their tomb. :(

There was a setback last night in the drilling. Apparently the large drill hit unstable earth. God help those poor men.

I did go to Victim support and they kindly offered me this advice: Homeowners: Put an Egyptian type curse on all of your property. Then, if you are burgled and the Police don't catch the culprit, you can rest assured they will die of a plague of boils or something.

Yes I'd take up the offer of victim support as well. I hope these guys get caught. And if they are caught I hope the OP is prepared to go to court and help to secure a conviction. Quite often people either can't be bothered or are maybe frightened to go through this process. This then can then end up with the burglar getting a slap on the wrist in the form of a caution.

I think the worst thing about being burgled is the feeling that your private space has been violated. You can replace your objects (though not the ones with sentimental value) but the thought of someone being in your home can be tough to deal with. I guess it could have been worse and you could have been home at the time. Who knows what could happen in this scenario?