dulwichmum

Dear Fear, Just be sure to pm me the exact date, I will be sure not to commence until Keef has had his party.

Actually, my sister was very pretty when she was younger. She was a Rose of Tralee in 1985!

Dear Asset, I am allowing Ana to remain in my home for the time being while I consider her situation. I must admit I am feeling broody, and I may even do the charitable thing (in the manner of Angelina/Madonna et al) and adopt the sproglet before Ana returns home - in order to preserve her honour you understand. I would hate for her to suffer, for having a child out of wedlock, and I am curious to find the paternity of this child. If it looks like Mr Papapdopalopagus - I may compel him to provide financial support, if it looks like anyone closer to home - hell hath no fury like a dulwichmum... I am rather warming to the idea of a new baby in the house, I just would not be prepared to put my pelvic floor through the trauma of giving birth myself again. For the time being I allow Ana to do only light household chores - you know, dusting, painting the guttering, digging our new swimming pool (we would have destroyed so many established plants if we had tried to get a digger in the back garden). DM

Grrr, I hate Irish 'country' music, in my opinion Daniel O'Donnel is about as manly as The Rose of Tralee. He has less facial hair for a start!

I bet the old woman with the enormous grave, simply was burried in an enormous dress, which ladies liked to wear in those days. I myself have considered being buried in my enormous wedding dress - just for discussion sake really as we were making a will, and then my kind husband pointed out that I would require a coffin shaped like an Dairylea Triangle - not a good look. I think I should like a great tomb built in anticipation of my future demise on the round about at Goose Green. I would like to comission a local artist to create an enormous art work in my memory, perhaps a huge Starbucks coffee cup on a plinth. What in the name of God and all of his angels and saints is a 'plague pit?' If they are recognised mass graves as implied, should we not hold memorial services? I would hate to think that if I died of bird flu - along with half of the rest of London they would toss us in a plague pit somewhere in Croydon. Isn't The Fox on the Hill at Denmark Hill built on one, and isn't that why no-one builds on its big green space at the front? Perhaps we should go and have a drink in their memory. I HATE BEING SICK, I AM FED UP BEING IN BED...

I shall send the au pair to buy some white Burgundy forthwith. Thank you.

Whimpers quietly in corner - "here I am trying to die quietly, and they are trying to kill me buy giving me lung cancer just to be sure." Oh how I wish I was well and could go to Sainsbury's to see the great new Starbucks...

I am lying in my sick bed with the flu - please tell me some news of the spanking new Starbucks... Is it real? Is it open? Did it have arm chairs and Vente Latte???

Dear Asset, I would love to do this again, but I am really no good with reds - it gives me a dreadful head. Any white suggestions for the white wine drinkers to? DM

Dear Mark, Indeed they are good, but when you take your duvet or whatever out to use - the next time you try to re-use the bag - I promise you will get a puncture. I have spent a fortune on them in the past, and they are really only good for one use. I have bought them from Argos, and Peter Jones, and they are all the same. If you really need to never take the cushions or clothes out again they are great - but if that is the case you should be giving the items to a charity shop to recycle and really make space.

Thanks lovely Tilly with big smile. Graciously accepts cocodomol but looks suspiciously at Michael Paleontologist - thinks to self "Isn't the sanitorium the place where JR wanted to put Sue Ellen when she had been drinking too much?" Sobs...

Moan, sniff...

I hold grudges for years...

It is in a snake pit smeared with dog poo.

Dear Moz200, I accept your apology. Now just try to be kind, play nicely and stop using naughty words or I shall not give you any more sausage. It is not you I do not love, just the unkind behaviour. You are on "one" now, get to "three" and you shall find yourself on the naughty step. DM

This is simply terrifying. DM

Dear Mr David_carnell, Thank you so much for your kind comments. I pride myself on my harsh but fairness, and my blooming nanny is Lithuanian - that woman has ruined my life! (sob)...

Dear Moz200, Somebody has to have "little brats", "who run about screaming and leave bits of sausage everywhere" or else who will there be to look after you when you are old and grey, you good natured sweet tolerant person? You must be glad you live in The Gardens, just 5 minutes up the road to Peckham High Street where you can buy yourself a great big bag of strangely shaped vegetables to boil in your cauldron for tea?

Gosh Mr Mockney, I find intelligent men terribly attractive! Say Ramallah again - go on, slowly...

Wakes from delirious dream, hot and soaked in perspiration ... or can that be alcohol and Red Bull I smell??? Thinks to self "My toes feel strangely sticky." Whimpers "Pass the smelling salts Mr Keef, Michael appears to be sucking my socks..." Passes out in a dramatic manner... Thinks to self "Gosh I do look tiny today down there on that chaise," as my spirit leaves my body and floats around the room (I feel like death)

Tries to smile at Michael, but whimpers instead... Unable to lift hand in gesture of gratitude.

Slumps quietly in the corner on enormous luxurious chair, shivering with flu. Could someone please pass me a hot toddy? (whimper)

They are off Peckham Rye - to the right as you travel down Forest Hill Road towards Peckham. It is really pretty in there.

Dear Quaywe, You know I just realised you are right. I am getting old and going to bed early. Oh the shame...

Grabs an Irish Coffee - well it is an obvious attraction for me!