Jah Lush

Fasten your seatbelts says a voice inside the plane you can't near no noise engines made by Rolls Royce take your choice ...make mine Majorca check out the parachutes can't be found alert those passengers they'll be drowned a friendly mug says "settle down" when I came round I was gagged and bound ...for Majorca (whose blonde sand fondly kisses the cool fathoms of the blue mediteranean) they packed us into the white hotel you could still smell the polycell wet white paint in the air-conditioned cells the waiter smelled of fake Chanel Gaulois... garlic as well says if I like... I can call him "Miguel" ...well really I got drunk with another fella who'd just brought up a previous paella he wanted a fight but said they were yella' ...in Majorca the guitars rang and the castinets clicked the dancers stamped and the dancers kicked it's likely if you sang in the street you'd be nicked the double diamond flowed like sick mother's pride, tortilla and chips pneumatic drills when you try to kip ...in Majorca a stomach infection put me in the shade must have been something in the lemonade but by the balls of Franco I paid had to pawn my bucket and spade next year I'll take the International Brigade ...to Majorca

A man wakes up in the morning to find a bear on his roof, so he looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. When the bear remover arrives, he's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's this for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Yeah, the Plough has a better and bigger garden. Incidentally I was in the Dog last night or should that read outside the Dog for the first time since the smoking ban came in. At 10pm you have to go inside or to the garden part out the back if you want a fag. I stood around with a couple of pals, standing up with beer in one hand, fag in the other, couldn't get a table so we buggered off. Besides, it's quicker for me and I expect a few others to walk home from the Plough rather than the Dog.

LOL>:D

Ah! but you see Mockney, Buffoon Boris is already a local celeb isn't he. He certainly has a celebrity status of sorts that's for sure. TV & radio appearances, celebrity football matches..blah blah blah.

Rolls up left trouser leg....I've got a feeling it already is Michael.

Well, they invented "Friendly Fire." Bloody useless.

Mockney, my nephew is in Iraq at the moment working for a security firm. He was formerly a soldier in the Royal Engineers and was involved in the the war from the start. Doing two tours. He also has experience of training and working alongside American soldiers and he has often said that they are probably amongst the worse and indiciplined bunch of arseholes he has ever come across. According to my nephew compared to the British Army the American military are "f**king useless and trigger happy dickheads." Hence my lack of shock or surprise.

Yes, Helen, do come back and tell us because I've never heard of Eva May Davies either. Baffled.

The Top Country Songs of 2007: 12. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine. 11. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day. 10. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me. 9. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well. 8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better. 7. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win. 6. I'd Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight. 5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here. 4. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now. 3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him. 2. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger. And the number 1 country song is: 1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woken Up With A Few.

I went to a dyslexic rave it was great, everyone was out of their heads on F. In the corner a man was mainlining a heron.

Cor blimey yeah, yer right mate. Better keep a low profile, know worra mean. A nod's as good as a wink to a blind horse, cheers guv. Oooh er...Bob Monkhouse, he's dead isn't he? Well I know for a fact he died on his arse a few times...

Thank you Spadetownboy, that's cleared that one up for me. But Louisa, I hardly think Mad Frankie Fraser could be considered important, especially as he is someone who has spent most of his life in prison and was certified insane three times, the man was a violent and dangerous pyschopath, although I'm sure he was very nice to his mum etc etc. I have seen him down the Dog a few times in the past though.

Yeah, come on do tell. What association has Oscar Wilde got with Dulwich coz I'm damned if I know.

Ken went to the same school as I did, way before me though.

I was replying to Ant's posting Mockney and although I haven't been able to read all of it yet I suppose I shouldn't really be shocked or surprised by it.

Actually, Louisa you come across as exactly the opposite. Anyway...Tony like most shortish people, Napoleon, Adolf Hitler to name but two, has a superficial warmth and charm that deceives many.

Blimey Keef, we smoke the same ciggies. I started inhaling at 12, Players No 6, progressed to Winston at 17 and Marlboro Reds about ten years ago. I occasionally enjoy Gitanes too. English cigarettes like Bensons and Rothmans taste like cardboard to me.

Haven't got the time to read all of that but I got the gist of it and that is truly shocking.

James, you are awful but I like you. Lord Byron, Edward Alleyn, Raymond Chandler.

Yeah! Boots is crap. Pret gets my vote and I like the coffee in there too. Better than a Starfucks anyday.

They were reupholstered a while back James.

Well said James and Bob. Couldn't agree more with you.

It's okay Citizen I knew your were being ironic, I was just being facetious.

For some reason, which I find baffling he's rather popular, a popular buffoon though. I certainly wouldn't vote for him.