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I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.

I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.

I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees. I write award winning operas, and manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and Godlike trombone playing.

I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed.

I cook thirty minute brownies in twenty minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.


Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

I play bluegrass cello. I had trials with Manchester United Football Club and am the subject of numerous documentaries.

When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding.

On Wednesdays after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.


I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.

I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.

I have appeared in "Through The Keyhole" and won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Last summer I toured eastern Europe with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration.

I run the 100m in 9.65 seconds. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.


I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.

I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.

I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.

While on holiday in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.


The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid.

On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.

Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only some vegetables and a Breville toaster. I breed prize winning clams.

I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions in the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet. I have performed open heart surgery and I have spoken with Elvis but I have never been to Bluewater.

I am the 1998 winner (and current record holder) of the Liverpool to New York doggy paddle.

I once penned the source code for a disk operating system on the back of a beermat and gave it as payment to a lapdancer called Bill.

My life as an adored philanthropist and notable deflowerer of virgins has taken me to all 3 corners of both continents and most of the bits in-between.

When not giving my council to world leaders or answering Hawkins? inane questions I captain an astral darts team consisting of history's most notorious boozers and well known crack shots, Genghis Kahn, Kurt Cobain and Jesus van Nazareth.

It is a well established scientific fact that I am always correct about everything and the most devastatingly handsome male specimen the human race will ever produce.


Unlike that Lush fellow I am too modest to go on about my achievements.


I am also the founding and only member of the tortured, misunderstood and under-appreciated genius that is: Lord Saxonbard's Christmas Haemorrhage and the Three Pints of Sugar Band. Although I am considering leaving due to creative differences.

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  • Latest Discussions

    • Here is another article from the excellent Special Needs Jungle with tips for responses to the SEND conversation survey. Including shoe horning in EHCPs which they "forget" to ask a question about in the conversation. And living as we do in Southwark with the huge misfortune of 100% academy secondary schools, some thoughts on this and how unlikely inclusion in mainstream is within the current education landscape. In my view the government could save money by creating some smaller mainstream secondary schools for kids who can cope in primary school but not  with the scale of secondary, and need a calmer less busy setting. The funding would have to be different - it is currently on a per pupil basis which favours larger schools. But it would undoubtedly be cheaper than specialist provision, and the huge cost to individual children and families (emotional and financial) and to society. https://www.specialneedsjungle.com/tips-help-complete-governments-send-conversation-survey-law/ If anyone wants to take a radical step to help their struggling child, my tip is to move far away: these are the best two schools I have ever visited and in a beautiful part of the country. I only wish we'd moved there before it was too late for my son who had to suffer multiple failings at Charter North and then at the hands of Southwark SEND, out of education from February to October in year 10-11, having already suffered the enduring trauma of a very difficult early life, which in combination with ADHD made his time at schools which just don't care so very unbearable for all of us. https://www.cartmelprioryschool.co.uk/ https://settlebeck.org/ As an add on, I would say to anybody considering adoption, please take into account the education battles that you are very much more likely to face than the average parent. First you have schools to deal with, already terrible; then being passed from pillar to post within Southwark Education, SEND, Education Inclusion Team, round and round as they all do their best to explain why they are not responsible and you need someone different, let's hold another multi-agency meeting, never for one minute considering that if they put the child at the centre and used common sense they would achieve a lot more in much less time without loads of Southwark employees sitting in endless meetings with long suffering parents. It is hard to fully imagine this at the start of your adoption journey, full of hope as you are, but truly education is not for the faint hearted, and should be factored into your decision. You'll never hear from people who are really struggling and continue to do so, only from those who've had challenges but overcome them and it's all lovely. And education, the very people who should be there to help, are the ones who make your lives the most hellish out of everything your child and you face.
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