Twas The Night Before Christmas

[fish]

Twas the night before Christmas and all was not calm, down Lordship Lane the locals were up in arms. There was no room at the bars, pubs or restaurants and ...........

[macroban]

It was no place for a pregnant unmarried young woman to be looking for a bed for the night.

[Dulwich Born And Bred]

She went to the kebab and wine,

to take shelter from the drunken swines

[Keef]

But they said "sorry luv but the stable out the back if full up with all the usual mules".

[Dulwich Born And Bred]

She thought she would head to the Palmerston,

But upon her way she heard a decent tune,

The music and laughter led her to inside 72....

[dulwichmum]

Dulwichmum was driving down Lordship Lane in her warm luxurious Audi Q7 choc full of gifts and could not be bothered taking the ungrateful pregnant au pair Ana home by car. The exercise will do her good thought Dulwichmum, that'll teach her for eyeing up my husband...

[EDOldie]

Kind though it was to give such a job to such a myopic au pair.

[fish]

Snow began to fall on the Lane, the woman with child collapsed in pain. People walked by and tutted and sighed, muttered under their breath, rolling their eyes.

[Brendan]

"It will be 140 quid to have her sorted."

[Dulwich Born And Bred]

But alas, she has no money, and she was scared at the thought of being a mummy,

She crawled on her hands and knees to a shop doorway,

Avoiding the glances from the East Dulwich Forumites,

She muttered under her breath " judge me? how dare they!"

But something in the window of the shop caught her eye,

There was a cot, costing ?2000 made from hay,

She pressed her nose against the window of soupdragon....

[Brendan]

She went into the store and purchased the cot and a 3 wheeled pram to transport it in with the credit card she had found in her pocket. Expertly signing DULWICHMUM for the purchase.

[dulwichmum]

Dulwichmum emerged from the shadows...

Come home with me my child, would I honestly leave you to languish in the snow on Lordship Lane when you could be snug at home in your room over the garage? I have had two children myself (sunroof deliveries at The Portland), I dare say with a pair of marigolds, some boiled water and fluffy Marks and Spencer towels, we can sort something out! You do know that you could be stoned if you return to Lithuania unwed with James' your baby.

Let me adopt it in the manner of Angelina Jolie?

[SimonM]

...on seeing the gnarled old brickie emerge from the shadows in his hard hat, rusty trowel in one hand and half-empty lager can in the other, a solitary tooth grinning evilly in his mouth, the young woman screamed in frignt and bolted up Lordship Lane searching for sanctuary....

[Keef]

Realising the Police Station was closed, she bolted up Whateley towards the CPT...

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

However, the CPT was far too myrrhky so she stumbled on towards Goose Green...

[macroban]

The Dulwich Medical Centre couldn't help due to pressure from BARA about helping undesirables.

[Maurice]

When out on Lordship Lane there arose such a chatter, I sprang from the Grove to see what was a matter. Away to Cafe Nero I flew like a flash, chowed down an illegal bagel then returned back to trash.

[macroban]

The bright new shining street lights leading to the Little Town of Bellenden beckoned, but then she realised she didn't have a Southwark Council regeneration cheque in her pocket.

[dulwichmum]

Dulwichmum steps from the shadows and catches Ana in an enormous butterfly net and throws her into the back of the Audi Q7...

[bluecanary]

But Ana broke free, her escape she did make, by making a ladder from sticky backed tape.

[macroban]

Then the young pregnant lady emerged from between the tree where she had been hiding, feeling sorry for Ana, but thankful that she had avoided the attenton of the West Dulwich White Slave Raider.

[Keef]

In west Dulwich stands Cair Paravel, the castle of ice in which Dulwichmum dwells.

"I'll get you young Ana, for my real name is Jadis, I'll get you before Santa does" she screams yells and rages!

[fish]

She stands before her boiling couldron, ranting and raving like a woman possessed. "Revenge will be mine, you jezebel and trollop, there's only one breeding machine for this husband of mine".

[Keef]

Meanwhile....

Ana runs across Goose Green chased by the hounds of hell... (or Clarence anyway). When suddenly, cats... cats everywhere, skinny cats, fat cats, ginger cats, tabby cats, they chase of the hound, and proceed to rub themselves against Ana's ankles... "Have you not got homes to go to" Ana screams.

[EDOldie]

Suddenly she trips over the fence which hasn't been removed yet and comes face to face with...........