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Dulwichmum was driving down Lordship Lane in her warm luxurious Audi Q7 choc full of gifts and could not be bothered taking the ungrateful pregnant au pair Ana home by car. The exercise will do her good thought Dulwichmum, that'll teach her for eyeing up my husband...

But alas, she has no money, and she was scared at the thought of being a mummy,

She crawled on her hands and knees to a shop doorway,

Avoiding the glances from the East Dulwich Forumites,

She muttered under her breath " judge me? how dare they!"

But something in the window of the shop caught her eye,

There was a cot, costing ?2000 made from hay,

She pressed her nose against the window of soupdragon....

Dulwichmum emerged from the shadows...


Come home with me my child, would I honestly leave you to languish in the snow on Lordship Lane when you could be snug at home in your room over the garage? I have had two children myself (sunroof deliveries at The Portland), I dare say with a pair of marigolds, some boiled water and fluffy Marks and Spencer towels, we can sort something out! You do know that you could be stoned if you return to Lithuania unwed with James' your baby.


Let me adopt it in the manner of Angelina Jolie?

...on seeing the gnarled old brickie emerge from the shadows in his hard hat, rusty trowel in one hand and half-empty lager can in the other, a solitary tooth grinning evilly in his mouth, the young woman screamed in frignt and bolted up Lordship Lane searching for sanctuary....

Meanwhile....


Ana runs across Goose Green chased by the hounds of hell... (or Clarence anyway). When suddenly, cats... cats everywhere, skinny cats, fat cats, ginger cats, tabby cats, they chase of the hound, and proceed to rub themselves against Ana's ankles... "Have you not got homes to go to" Ana screams.

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