A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?' A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!' --------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me... 'Oi, what's your disability?' I said 'Tourettes! Now fock off!' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him,then she starts waving. 'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says. The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity andsays 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arrse?' 'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' ' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair? Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I mustadmit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. His wife replies, 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother.'