dulwichmum

OHMYGOD! Karter, are you in fact Batdog???

Walks into quiet room, finds poor Mr Keef sleeping on beanbag. Wakes him by opening the window to let in some fresh air - gives him a nice glass of cream soda, before sending him home to Mrs Keef so that he may be properly looked after. Sits down in favourite armchair, pops feet in footspa and takes out a copy of 'In Style' magazine. Pours cup of Assam tea from big pot, adds milk - relaxes...

Dear Karter, Are you sure you are not Batdog? How could you prove that you are not one and the same? DM

Dear Chuff, I shall make several trips to drop off my cars tomorrow morning, I need the exercise. DM X

Oh Batdog - er, I mean Karter, I would love to try their lasagne with a nice bottle of Krug...

Please, please get some sand delivered and pay cash. I think an enormous cat litter is the way to go! Please? And, please post their address on here, so I can park all of my cars on their street... Actually, I will happily pay for the sand (my spelling is the pits - I am drunk!). DM X

But please Chuff, don't think that you have done the wrong thing moving here. Your neighbour needs a good slap. I love the sand delivery idea. That nice builders yeard by East Dulwich station would be my first port of call if I was you. Print off this thread and stick it through her door. DM

Darling Batdog! DM

Dear Chuffy, I am not sure I would advocate such outragous behaviour as suggested by sweet Ratty, but I would certainly consider taking all of my cars out of the garage and parking them in every available parking space on the street - in order to assert my rights as a taxpayer! The other two things to consider are; * have your considerable front lawn turned into an "in and out" drive - I find this so convenient myself, or else, * have the entire underneath of your property excavated and one of those super hydraulic lift devices installed to ferry cars down to the capacious space underneath your home! Clearly this would enable you to avoid any further unpleasantness with your neighbour!

Darling Batdog, Krug is my favourite!!! A Bottle of Krug and two Ikea plastic beakers! XXX DM

Darling Batdog, You know if it were not for the fact that Gordon Ramsays own sommeliers have insisted to me that wine can only be appreciated fully when consumed from a Riedel, then I would concede. On the other hand, you know there is so much pretention attached to food, I think I would enjoy Champagne with you if I was drinking it from a plastic beaker... DM

Darling Mr Batdog, I don't know, I am rather partial to a Riedel Sommeliers Chablis glass myself. http://www.riedel-store.co.uk/acatalog/Somm_White_Wine.html I sound very brave don't I? James will not let me touch his glasses unless he is drinking too - I am a butter fingers who is trusted only with an Ikea tumbler! DM

Dear Mr Mikewbate, You know chocolate acts as a laxative? The connection with spots has never been proven - but I would advise you not to stray far from the toilet! DM

Dear Kathryn, Doesn't the world look better through alcohol filled glasses? DM

Dear Mr Mockney, Why the fruit? DM

Dear Mr Mikewbate, I shall try to control myself, or I will expand in several directions. Thank you for the thought. DM

OHMYGOD!

Stares hard at screen in the manner of Paddington Bear. Wishes to self that Mr Mikewbate was serious! DM

Dear Mr Batdog, Clearly! DM

Dear Karter, Can you explain to me please - what is 'organic cod'?

Mr Batdog, You make my heart pound in my ears in the manner of a teenager at a youth club disco! Darling man! DM

Stares hard at Mr Mikewbates chocolates - in the manner of Paddington Bear. Points to window and makes urgent gestures with hand... As Mr Mikewbate rushes to the window, grabs Belgian choccies and rushes behind Japanese screen. Emerges after several minutes - face stained with chocolate, thinks to self - I could be bulaemic but am far too greedy to purge! Mouthes apology and gives grateful smile to Mr Mikewbate, realises teeth are brown, withdraws to bathroom with toothbrush.

Dear Mr Mikewbate! You are so warm and sensitive! Do pass the tissues (sniff), Mr Batdog has (as I said before) "abandoned me like an old shoe", and treated my affections for him like a mere trifle (Birds). Abandoned again, I could turn to you for affection - if you would just end your subscription to Razzle... DM

Dear Karter, Now you sound even more like Mr Batdog that you did before! You are a devil... DM X

Dear Bailey, The London Recumbant bike shop in the park have always helped me out with regard to punctures and spare parts. DM