dulwichmum

Dear Ben, I saw them and was horrified. I almost choked on my almond croissant!

No darling Bagpuss78, I didn't! Would you have room for seconds? DM

OK, I give in Keef, if they are good enough for Mrs Keef, I shall take mine (aqua actually Snowboarder(tu)) out of the coal hole and see how I get on with them...

Tramps into quiet room wearing enormous pair of aqua blue Crocs - stained with black coal dust, and pristine white Jeans. Looks down at feet and scowls... Sits on aubergine velvet arm chair by the window next to chums. Takes three Vente Lattes (Starbucks naturally) from capacious handbag and offers to chums. Takes large cake box from hand bag, containing pretentious cake from Au Ciel in the Village, a large Global Japanese folded steel knife, side plates, forcs and napkins. Cake anyone?

Doh!

Mr MacGabhann! You really are an inspiration! DM

I think the ultimate test of tolerance would be to bring along some nice incontinent old ladies, and see how kind the shop keepers are. DM

Sweet Jimbo, I am always glad to be of assistance - consider me the authority on all things pretentious! XXX Darling Ant, I am pleased that you know the true identity of Dulwichmum - the Brickie from Penge - I was so glad that my pipe smoking exterior did not put you off appreciating the delicate female within! As always, your babysitter... DM

Ah, the poor puss! I shall keep an eye out for him and if he turns up in SE21, I shall send him straight home.

Dear SimonM, It does indeed - scrummy, but Au Ciel sells cake that require a cup of Earl Grey in a china cup, preceeded by cucumber sandwiches with no crusts - and I thought that this was the look Jimbo was trying to achieve. Delicate pretentious confections - a bit like me!

Dear Doodles, You may have a point! DM

Dear Princess, This is dreadful, if he turns up here, we shall send him straight home. DM

Dear Jimbo, I would head straight to Au Ciel - the patiserie on Calton Avenue towards Dulwich Village. They make scrummy posh cakes... DM

Dear Mightyroar, My kids have Crocs, and so does the au pair - as I thought that they would assist me with my plan to dis-improve her looks. However, I also bought myself a pair as they felt so comfortable - but I tossed them in the coal hole when I remembered how damn ugly they are. I always feel a slight lift in the heel of a shoe accentuates my tiny shapely ankles. I bought my husband a pair, as they are ideal for beach wear - by the pool/in the sand/general comfy shoe for holidays. He will be away soon, and will get good use out of them. They can look rather sweet on kids with the cute little buttons on them to personalise them. My kids love the badges - skulls and cross bones, jewels etc. I personally will never be seen in a pair, they are far too ugly... DM

Super glamorous Mr Batdog, Don't worry about the damned magazine, you know everything you need to know about Dulwich. Do you ever go sailing Mr Batdog? You really are a glamorous pet! DM

Smiles at Mr Ben, accepts chocolate confections. Texts local mental health professionals regarding Mr Ants strange behaviour. Picks up enormous hand bag and leaves for the evening...

I don't know. Ralph Lauren "Polo" aftershave makes my stomach churn. DM

Tears huge expanse of white fabric from enormous petticoat and ties it around Mr Ants leg. Gives dirty look to Mr Ben, and thinks to self "this man has a young family to support - poor darling". Hears distant growling of Mr Batdog from handbag. Smiles to self. Takes can of Stella Artois from chiller cabinet in handbag and divides out two half pint measures for Mr Piers and Mr Ant.

Darling Karter, Check out this url for the carport of your dreams! http://www.bpindex.co.uk/manf.html?id=9364 I have read the article now in Dulwich Life, and I wouldn't mind, but I took Ana and the children in to that shop last Thursday to buy them all some sensible Crocs shoes for the summer - enormous flat plastic functional shoes are such a good look on an attractive young au pair don't you think? I even ended up buying myself some Crocs (although I have thrown mine in the coal hole since - what was I thinking?). I bought four pairs of Crocs on Thursday, and bought sweet badges galore to go on every pair, and even took James back to get a pair on Saturday - he is off to The West Indies or somewhere next week to see a cricket match and will need some beach type shoes. I wonder if he will meet darling Mr Batdog? I wasn't to know the woman in Stella B wanted me to introduce myself. I am sure she knew who I was though, she kept saying, - "so your children are called Max and Freya, and your au pair is called Ana?" What was I supposed to say? "Clearly." DM

Waves to Ben from enormous aubergine velvet armchair by the window - offers him a latte (Ana is about to make a trip to Starbucks)... Begins list, Bagpus78 and Moi - 2 X Grande Lattes and 2 large slices of blueberry cheesecake. Anyone else?

Takes phone out of enormous handbag, types text message to Ana - "Please attend quickly and bring Dyson"...

Dear Karter, I am afraid to look. Please tell me the article has nothing to do with our canine friends? DM

Dear Brianb, Poor Mr Mikewbate is not looking for high salt content and Fruit Shoots - they will send his mother wild! I love Mr Banjaminty's suggestion. It sounds just perfect. DM

Dear Sean, The band was taken for granted, the location an added bonus! Am I the only person who still remembers In Tua Nua? DM

You see? Mr MacGabhann, I knew just from looking at you! DM