My funeral...

[dulwichmum]

James and I have been updating our wills, and I have been wondering what kind of funeral I would like if I were to pass away (sigh). I had initially considered being buried in my wedding dress as it was a fabulous couture Vera Wang confection and I wore it only once, although it was the most enormous dress. However, I would hate to have a huge coffin shaped like a Dairylea triangle? clearly.

Perhaps my casket should be white, to signify innocence, some kind of veneer on polystyrene (light as a feather) minimalist, tasteful and plain with no embellishments. I could be cremated secretly first, and subsequently have a funeral for the tiny coffin containing my ashes, so that everyone can admire how small and light I will be? The poll bearers would struggle to keep hold of my coffin in the lightest breeze! I shall never forget the sight of the poor guardsmen staggering under the weight of Diana?s coffin ? OHMYGOD, how embarrassing!

A low key, understated celebration of my life sounds perfect.

I would favour a selection of young choristers, their voices breaking with emotion as they sing, in fact, lots of undignified wailing and crying, arum lilies everywhere, terribly tasteful, just like that film Imitation of life would be perfect. I would like The Red Arrows to fly over Dulwich in formation and a twelve cannon salute in the grounds of Dulwich Picture Gallery next to my enormous Mausoleum. What kind of funeral would you like?

[Ted Max]

I'd like a Forum funeral. Keef to do the music. Bonyard the catering. Moos the commemoration address. Jah to sort the wake out. Sean to make sure everyone gets home OK. And Snorky hanging around outside telling everyone what a fecking loser I was.

Sorted.

[Tony.London Suburbs]

Easy. Just like the one they gave Graham Chapman of Monty Python infamy.

Sean (or anyone) would you kindly provide the You Tube link f The Memorial Service, please.

[PeckhamRose]

As someone training to be a Humanist Celebrant, and who worked in funeral directors for a few years in the past, I am happy to inform you you have more choices than you ever ever did before. Motorcycle hearses (choice of classic Triumph, Harley Davidson or classic suzuki motorcycle to pull (with - I kid you not, the obligitory No Smoking sign on the hearse window even if you're going to be cremated ...)) - your ashes turned into a firework, anything you want.

For myself I have already written in my Will, and arranged separately with the London Anatomy Office that - if they will accept it - my body is to be taken immediately to the London Anatomy Office and they will arrange for it to be studied and dissected by medical students. (After all, NHS saved my life many times when I was a kid.) The LAO reject bodies of amputees, and various other reasons. Otherwise donate parts that are useful and have the hospital burn the rest.

The Clockhouse is to get a lump of money behind the bar and everyone to go down there with my mate Sally the Celebrant to have a party.

Good for you dulwichmum to raise this issue - I realise you had tongue in cheek with some of your thoughts, but either way it's a good thing people do think about it. Many was the time people came into the office and wills had not been made and some families not even aware there was a first wife and other children!

[Keef]

I used to think about my funeral a lot as a morbid teen. These days I'll be happy if there is good music, and a massive party after complete with live band and class A's!

[Marmora Man]

I'm to be cremated, followed by a party (absolutely no religious theme) followed by my ashes being scattered at sea from a submarine.

[mockney piers]

Ha ha Ted, I'll be nominating that for post of the month!!

[Brendan]

I want to be burnt on a big pyre outside somewhere. My family aren?t too keen on the idea though but when (god willing) I have kids I?m sure I will be able to guilt them into it.

[Cassius]

I'll be dead - why on earth should I care? although I have considered the music to accompany my casket into the fire to be the Clash 'Straight to Hell' but I am sure I am not the only one.

[Jimbob]

Marmora Man Wrote:

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> I'm to be cremated, followed by a party

> (absolutely no religious theme) followed by my

> ashes being scattered at sea from a submarine.

would that be off the deck, or shot out through the torpedo tube.

[AllforNun]

for me a simple funeral, buried in Nunhead cemetery with a live 12 cannon salute fired in the direction of Dulwich mums enormous mausoleum !

[dulwichmum]

King Ted! You are an inspiration.

Also, PeckhamRose, I still want the upmarket Mausoleum in the grounds of Dulwich Picture Gallery, but I now want my ashes to sneakily be put inside a firework and set off from the spire of St Thomas Moore Church.

[bigbadwolf]

I don't really care if I'm buried or cremated but the one thing I will insist on is that Queens 'another one bites the dust' is played at full volume.

[Keef]

AFN I'm not sure there will be space for you in Nunhead cemetery, as I believe all the good spots have been reserved by people from Dulwich.

[Marmora Man]

Marmora Man Wrote:

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> I'm to be cremated, followed by a party

> (absolutely no religious theme) followed by my

> ashes being scattered at sea from a submarine.

would that be off the deck, or shot out through the torpedo tube.

Off the deck and scattered to leeward..

In my time I've conducted a number of ashes scattering ceremonies. On at least two occasions the ashes "blew back" and stuck on the side of the submarine, which meant we had to wash them off the casing when we arrived back in port.

We sent the grieving widow and family a nice extract from the ship's log and an annotated chart showing where the ashes were scattered but omitted to mention that the bulk of the ashes had been washed off in Haslar Creek.

Haslar Creek - once more popularly known as "Shit Creek" is rumoured to be the origin of the "shit creek without a paddle" phrase as to be taken up said creek was to go to the naval hospital in early 19th century - where with mortality rates of 60% + going up the creek usually meant death.

[Brendan]

Something along these lines: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpuMAvA8M6g&feature=related

(that's the undubbed version)

[bigbadwolf]

That was an awesome film. Jah are you 'the dude'?

[HonaloochieB]

I think it was Ivor Cutler who when asked what he wanted played at his funeral replied "Scrabble".

That'd do for me.

[LegalEagle-ish]

Medical science can have any useful bits and the rest can be burned.

If my kids are allowed to get the burnt bits, I'd like them to bury the ashes and plant a tree on top, so bits of me will live for years to come! A fruit tree might be a bit too grim but that was my original idea!

[Jah Lush]

bigbadwolf Wrote:

Jah are you 'the dude'?

Nope.

I'd like Last Orders Please by the Faces played at mine plus I'd like to be stuffed and put in a glass case behind bar of The Dog where I can stare down at the customers who dare to order soft drinks in a pub. Bastards!

[bigbadwolf]

Very fitting Jah. 'In life he stared into a glass and in death he stares out of one'.

[david_carnell]

Something similar to this please:

 

[Tony.London Suburbs]

david_carnell Wrote:

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> Something similar to this please:

and your starter for "Ten" : The making of this Film resulted in the creation of....

[giggirl]

My funeral is going to be so much fun I'm actually devastated that I won't be there.

Twice in my life I've nearly died. The first time I was very young but then when it happened to me again in my early thirties I was quite freaked out to think I might not get the funeral I want. So I wrote everything down.

Cremated - obviously

Really cheap coffin - no inexpense spared - something in heavy duty cardboard with a nice picture painted on it (note to self - send memo to Ikea suggesting a new line in "economy" coffins). If Ikea actually did make coffins they would probably be called something highly inappropriate - like "Skug" or "Jhikn".

Music - well I'm keeping that a secret but, rest assured, it will be a great gig.

A great party with only the best champagne and some drag queens doing a cabaret.

My fabulous bitches can fight over my wardrobe when I'm gone. I hope they have fun. If you hear news of my demise on the Forum and, by chance, you happen to be a 39 in a Manolo, I suggest you get rount to my house sharpish - you'll think you've died and gone to heaven.

[buggie]

> In my time I've conducted a number of ashes

> scattering ceremonies. On at least two occasions

> the ashes "blew back" and stuck on the side of the

> submarine, which meant we had to wash them off the

> casing when we arrived back in port.

... we had a similar thing with my Dad's ashes - having snuck them into Land's End (in a rucksack!) and finally found a secluded spot to scatter them (out of rambler's view) I didn't even consider wind direction and had most of him blow back over my jeans and my suede trainers - one of which was several shades lighter ever after!!

Further ashes were scattered over the Land's End site as we found more ash in our pockets and other places.

Knowing Dad he was probably behind the inital gust that blew him over us!!