dulwichmum

I think you mean your "mammy" dear heart...

Feck off Spadetownboy, ye big culchie!

I love the Irish entry. Look at the rubbish everyone else is entering, no-one takes it seriously anymore. http://www.virginmedia.com/microsites/tvradio/slideshow/katie_price/img_9.jpg

Bah humbug! I have been good and I want my gifties!

OHMYGOD! Dame Shirley of Bassey!!! How cool! I think I shall dress up in honour... (it is not just the poppets that have dressing up outfits!)

Who???

Do you feel liberated by it Michael? Free to expose yourself to new experiences??? Here why not apply this special afterwaxing balm...http://www.nomeq.co.uk/images/physiotherapy/hot_and_cold/deep_heat_rub.jpg

OHMYGOD! Michael has had a BSC!!!

Come on then... spill!

"Michael darling, you are looking so damn handsome at the moment. Have you ever considered having your back waxed?" *Summons enormous Eastern European wax technician from Jo Partridge on Croxted Road and smiles to self as Olga assembles special table and enormous pot of boiling wax...*

Come on then KalamityKel - whats the story. Can I crack open a bottle in your honour?

You see? This is Dulwich. Like I said, earthquakes are just NOCD!

Dear Redrouge, Well your friends in Lewisham will have felt it, and I would venture that the inhabitants of Lambeth were cowering under their kitchen tables too, these areas have so much in common with areas like Grimsby. You will find that the homes of Dulwich are good quality dwellings, built on firm foundations. The gin in my glass didn't even ripple, and I had already consumed half a bottle. This is afterall Dulwich darling, we are just not prone to this type of hysterical happening around here...

OK so I cannot spell, but hey ho, a bomb is a bomb. You are now more Michaela than Michael - I got you first... Nah nah ne ne nah!

I love it when you tell me what to do!

Here let me pop some ice in that for you, hey - have a fresh glass. What kind of hostess am I?

Tosses granade out of coffin - which lands on Michaels lap!!! BOOM. "Well Michael, you well and truely got your rocks off this time! I am sure that I can smell feet!"

Slams open coffin door - what is that strange aroma I smell lovely KalamityKel?

Dear ????, I saw the operation to remove them once on TV, apparently it affords great comfort. They use a garden sheers to lop them off apparently...

Fair enough. Can I offer you a top up?

Fabarooooooooooo....... *BOOM* Ohmygosh! I haven't even singed his eyebrows! That man is superhuman!!! (Prrr)

Darling Michael Palalalagulus, you do look very fit indeed, and actually... through the bottom of this here wine tumbler - you are looking incredibly pert and firm too! I wonder if I am in fact a vampire type girlie? I definitely come alive at night!

Hurrah! Lovely Scruffy Mummy I have a good feeling about this in my Chablis... I wonder if I have cystitis?

The chemist on Half Moon Lane has won all kinds of awards for super consumer type perfectness and they have an amazing range of supplements and organic thingymabobs and bleech free nappies. There really should be a branch on Lordship Lane (sigh). The pharmacist has young children himself, and truely understands the exhaustion on my au pairs face. Brockwell Park Pharmacy, 7 Half Moon Lane, (020) 7274 3928

Bring your own quilted toilet roll, the "tissue" (HA!) they provide is a veritable assault on the senses. The French are barbarians when it concerns matters of the lavatory, why even the Germans are more refined...