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Keef

By Keef
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Muley

Muley

Posted
Posted

Another classic, posted in response to the suggestion that everyone take time off to get drunk and watch cricket, and that Honaloochie would provide us with a covering note:



"Dear (INSERT YOUR/ employer's/probationer officer's/pimp's/ponce's/director's/publisher's/social worker's/higher echelon drug dealer's/Chief executive officer's/Brave executive officer's/Squaw executive officer's/Headmistress's/Othermistress who won't do that's/manager's/the other one who can't manage it's/record producer's/record producer who isn't attempting to shag you's/ record producer who's actually produced a record's/ community pyschiatric nurse's/foreman's/forewoman's/ NAME HERE


I scribe on behalf of (INSERT NAME HERE, PREFERABLY OWN).

I have been his/her (your choice) personal guru, numerologist, dowser, ethical medium and nutritionist for a good part of his/her (again your choice, but I'd advise consistency) current existence, as for his/her's previous one I am not at liberty to discuss.


The files I may (or as I am strongly advised to say) or may not have contributed to then, are the subject of a legal dispute with his/her late (for everything if you ask me) medium.


I have checked (NAME'S) aura and I have never seen it so yellow, and it was all yellow. I can treat this by bleeding myself dry, but unfortunately (YOUR NAME) does not have private medical insurance and bleeding myself dry is not available on the NHS. I could comment, but won't.


I carried out a reading of (YES YOUR BASTARD NAME AGAIN)'s numbers, and was greatly concerned to see them in a what I as a qualified numerologist can only describe as the worst sort of two and eight I've seen in years.


The above can only lead to one conclusion, his/her guts must be utterly putrid.

I would be failing in my duty as a responsible nutritionist if I did not recommend that my patient take several days off in order to rebalance his/her insides and soothe his/her chakrakhan.


Thank you, may I wish you long life and obedient children who are young dudes and carry the news.


HonaloochieBeatific"



Masterful.

Ted Max

Ted Max

Posted
Posted

I'm considering a similar approach for the next family circular.


"Little Jonty (td) has been a perfect darling about having to go to big school, and has hardly kicked up any fuss at all. Meanwhile Letitia :X has been learning to express her opinions clearly. As the oldest, Samuel :'( is feeling rather responsible. Still, at least Mum is back to her old high spirits :)-D.


Love to all,


The Maxes"

woofmarkthedog

woofmarkthedog

Posted
Posted

Silverfox wrote.


Many years ago my uncle bought a reduced fresh turkey from Birmingham Bull Ring market on Christmas Eve. When he unwrapped it at home it only had one leg (true story). Does this count as a rot shop?



-----------------------------------------------------------------------


I loved this part story, part question & spat my coffee out when I read it.



W**F

Peckwich

Peckwich

Posted
Posted

I shouldn't find this funny but couldn't help laughing when I read it. In the Does anyone know Sarah Russell thread on the main forum, the first reply (which there is now no trace of) was:


Yeah! Heard she is a right s**g!


So juvenile and unhelpful. Reminds me of my old work place when I'd ask a simple question and would get a silly answer in return.

Mick Mac

Mick Mac

Posted
Posted

On the 185 (anti Nigel thread) - I thought this was funny Sophie. Cheers :)) Especially the last line.


Blimey this thread is compeltely out of control. I still think every company has really good, ok, and really crap employees, including bus companies. We should all try and remember that not all bus brivers are meanies.


Beaver14uk when I read the beginning bit of your first post I was pleased that you'd come on here to stand up for yourself and other bus drivers but sadly your post took a turn for the worse. But... I don't blame you for being on the defensive because on earlier pages of the thread there had been a lot of comments about bus drivers having no brains. If I was a bus driver and read that I would be extremely pissed off. Please don't drive through East Dulwich and think we're all cocks and in return I won't get on a bus and assume you're a cock.

  • 5 weeks later...
HonaloochieB

HonaloochieB

Posted
Posted

From the Isn't AnnaJ Just The Bee's Tits thread. Or something along those lines. Which of course she is.

BBW in fine form. And I did actually laugh out loud.


The J household.


Anna: "Hi darling, I'm home."


BN5: "My love, how was today's crusade."


Anna: "Rise from the floor my dear, I don't deserve such praise."


BN5: "I can't help it my love, you relieve the suffering of so many as well as correct the spelling of lesser men."


Anna: "That may be my love but it's my calling and I'd be selfish to ignore it."


BN5: "Oh, a young chap who calls himself bigbadwolf dropped by."


Anna: "Oh yes, what did he want?"


BN5: "He said he had a dream where a dam collapsed but you saved everyone from certain death by using your devine powers of healing and wisdom to hold the structure from failing as well as saving everyone threatened by it."


Anna: "Oh that, it was no trouble at all, I was happy to help."


BN5: "Good God my love!! You're even awesome and polite in other peoples sleep!"


Anna: "Oh it's no trouble at all."

HonaloochieB

HonaloochieB

Posted
Posted

Of course you did, you big tart you.


*grips BBW's ears and before he gets too worried bestows a gentle heterosexual kiss atop his head*


Seriously BBW, you're alright, there's hardly anything 'gay' 'bout me.

Apart from the T Rex and early David Bowie records, the fondness for AA Gill restaurant reviews and a small leaning towards Pucci, I'm straight as they die.

For the most part, anyway.

bigbadwolf

bigbadwolf

Posted
Posted

Brendan's reply to PGC's reply.


Brendan: "What's crotch dancing?"


PGC: "It's from Northern Europe. Requires a Pole."


Brendan: "Like a bathroom suite from Ikea?"


You may be a feral, Dutch Veltlander Brendan but that was a very clever and humorous reply and it certainly made me laugh.

bigbadwolf

bigbadwolf

Posted
Posted

Right, looks like Brendan's on fine form today. Here's another masterpiece from our laughter mechanic.


Brendan's reply to Mockney's suggestion that Anna Ford is a likely contender as hot totty in the Emily Maitlis thread.


Mockney: "They don't make them like they used to."


Brendan: "That's just Gok Wan without his makeup."


Very good B. Can I call you B?

Ladymuck

Ladymuck

Posted
Posted

From the what's-her-name legs' thread:


Posted by: Jah Lush Today, 01:27PM


SteveT Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Jayne Mansfield had a substantial chest

> measurement and was fluent in 7 languages.



And she couldn't say no in any of them.




BRILLIANT Jah!

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